Can I keep up?

My class starts in about 4 mins, so this will be really brief.

Something is happening to me.

And I cant really figure out what it is.

I have been in love before but not like this. This is some new shit, taking up the space designated for my mental moving checklist, or the random difference between study 1 and study 25 in my JPSP reading. I cant eat, sleep, or walk around idly without some random thought, some song, some picture, some memory of him.

And I am barely managing it. It is hard to focus!

I am working really hard to get any work done at all.

...to be continued.

and todays horoscope said...

That romantic roll you're on isn't going anywhere just yet, which is just the way you like it. The good news is that the person you're sighing over is on the same page -- and there isn't any bad news.

I concur Astrology.com, I concur.

xoxox

Ready for Love

Generally, I look at my horoscope because it arrives daily in my inbox. Sometimes, (especially when I have been out of town for a few days) it gets deleted with with the newport news and circuit city emails. Today, I decided to open it, and look what it said: Ready to fall in love? Or back in love? You'd better be. Someone you adore -- someone who's so close to you that your antennae have just got to be twitching like crazy -- is thinking along those same lines. Hahaha.

Part 2: Who I Am and Who I Am Not

So as I was sitting here reading another blog, and thinking about my entry from last night. (needing to be doing something productive while here at school, but you know...), I found myself being able to totally relate to this girl I dont even know.

What she said was that she had been in this 6 year relationship, it was her first love, and she made him tell her to her face that he was no longer in love with her.

Sidenote: Now, I have had that conversation. And it hurts. Especially when you are still in love with the other person and you dont want to admit it. Like shooting yourself in the foot really. And the plot thickens when you later find out that the whole conversation was driven by hurt & anger and not the originally percieved love-lost. I digress.

Although her inital comments struck me, it was when she got to the meat and potatoes. And its the age old concept of being in love with being together. She went to talk about the "idea" of them, and how in actuality it was the years and the memories keeping them together. I think the key is a delicate balance between reminiscing on old times and making new memories. The growth that fosters lasting relationships. The sparks, the passion, the drive to make each day better than the next, the perfection, the balance, the "where have you been all my life," the "I wanna get married thouhts."

And with "Him" I just dont have it. All we have is all the time we have been together off and on. The excitement I should have with him and for starting this new chapter of our lives is absent in a major way. I have a hard time even faking it. And because he is so non-involved with my life, who I am, and who Im trying to become, he doesnt even realize that this is not who I am in a loving and meaningful relationship. (That, and Wiliam & I think hes going to propose with this terrible cliche' 3-stone diamond monstrosity...)

I am not the girl who doesnt call before bed to say "goodnight, I love you" or first thing in the morning to say "goodmorning, I love you, have a great day." I am not the girl who wont get off the phone with her mother to talk to you when she hasnt talked to you (not even a text) all day. And while on the subject of text messages, I am not the girl who would rather text message you than hear your voice. I am not the girl who realizes and allows you to be uninvolved in her life, and uses that fact (or lack there of) as an opportunity to continue to not share.

Thats just not who I am. Why doesnt he realize that? Last night, I giggled about him being so clueless, but today I am more disturbed than anything really. But I think what is most disturbing is that I will be able to keep this up as long as I want to be bothered (yes, I said that) and that I dont think that we would be "associated" if I werent still here in GA and didnt get bored ever so often. Yes, he is newly employed. Yes, he has cute condo. Yes, he makes promises to do better- going out, eating at the best restaurants, trips to Athens after work and weekends. But in my mind theyre all promises. I've heard them all before. And I am not the girl who lives in broken promises and disappointments.

That is a problem. Who commits themself wholly to a relationship they dont believe in? That they will openly admit they dont believe in? Where is the faith? The hope? There is none. I am dually prepared to be wined & dined, AND let down.

But if I were a betting woman (and I am not- I'd rather throw my money away at the mall), I would put my chump change on being let down. Or actually, on not really caring either way. I see now (its practically jumping out at me) that the plus side with him is the IDEA of us being together, but not its practical application. These days I am not even sure if I were ever in love with him. When we finally got together (please dont ask me an anniversary date..maybe Sept 2003, maybe January 2004) I was dredging through the emotional wasteland that was our relationship, patiently awaiting what turned out to be relational handouts, table scraps even, which I used to piece together our haphazard and soon to be disasterous relationship.

So now youre asking, why in the world are you back there? Because of his texts (note: not chats or calls) about doing better and about loving me, and about us getting it right..blah blah blah. Again, empty promises. What girl doesnt want to hear that stuff? Ask me about improvements over the last calender year. No, better yet, ask him. When I bring it up these days its mostly for shits and giggles. And it wasnt until I fell in love forreal that I knew that what Him and I had leaned more towards completly bogus and a waste of time. And even when I was spouting off to people about William and I not working out, what I failed to realize at the time was that being in love with (and loved by) William changed me. I was no longer the girl I used to be.

Now, I am the girl who realizes that you can waste your time (hell, entertain yourself even), but you shouldnt waste your emotions on people who dont know you, and/or who arent trying to relieve the dissonance.

I am her if I am nobody else.

How much are you willing to spend?

So I have been almost obsessive about this song for a minute. It strikes me. I could IMMEDIATELY relate to the lyrics. I would like to think that he knows who he is, but sadly I can imagine him reading them with incredulity... William said it best this afternoon: [and I paraphrase] "Do you want someone who teases you because they love you, or someone who doesnt know you at all?"

Sometimes ignorance is bliss. Generally it isnt. And its the exact moment that you realize that you are staring at this person you once believed you knew so well, but you dont really. They are a complete stranger. You only got to know the part of the iceburg above the water. And even then, you only managed to take in a few surface characteristics (ie: color, temperature, overall movement if any). It wasnt like they hid themselves or presented themselves in an untruthful way... You just missed the details. You missed them, and yet they never really went anywhere.

You were reading words instead of sentences. Missing the main ideas. Often in a whole other book entirely. And it isnt until you come to the end of your book that you realize they have put your book down (perhaps) in favor of another one, whereas you were perfectly content.

Clearly, its that under-water mass that costs you. Sometimes it costs you a few tears or a couple of arguments. Those are the times when you get off easy. But what about those times when you have to spend a little of your peace of mind surplus or you have to tap into your emotional reserve to decide to renovate or demolish the relationship. How much are you willing to spend in these instances? Matters of the heart do not come cheap. And you cannot purchase them on eBay.

Here's to not knowing that the fact you don't know....

If
--Destiny's Child

If I don't pick up the phone like I used to (for you)
Dont you take it personal.
If I dont do all the things that I used to do (to you)
I aint mad at you.
If you get the feelings stressed up in your chest thinking you about to lose
Its true.
And if youre losing out on sleep home worrying about me
Ohh, thats how it be.

If you dont know, now you know you going to miss
My love.
And I aint stessing 'bout a dawg on thang
Cause I was true when I gave you
My love
If you search you will never find another love like
My Love
Youre going to miss me.
I aint got time while you sit around and play with
My love.

If you think I caught a feeling when I heard about that other chick
I already knew about it.
I just needed time just to clear my mind and ask myself
Why I didnt handle him.
If you wouldve taken care of home instead of leaving me alone
I still would be right there with you
Taking care of you
Steady loving you
Like I used to do.

There was once was a time I blamed myself for what was wrong
I can see so clearly now because you are gone
Thats how I spent all my time when you werent at home
Playing around with them raggedy heiffas
There'll be no more stressing
No more crying
No more trying
I would rather be alone.
'Cause this valuable heart of mine was yours until I realized
Finally opened my eyes...

Not making the list

I am without cable for the first time in many years...like 2 years forreal. Its crazy. I have so many things I SHOULD be doing that I assume I can do without until I move. That and the fact that I own tons of DVDs and can just watch those when I want some noise in the house (which I almost always do want). Like right now, I have Family Guy playing. I think season 1. And that will play until its over and I'll pop in season 2 and so on.

Actually, I may not. I have a test in Quant 4 tomorrow and my new class starts tomorrow too. So I need to be studying. And then after that I need to be practicing. And packing. See, "should be watching TV" didnt even make the list - lol.

And with that, Im running now :)

Trip Report!

I got the pics developed from my Mobile trip today, and I decided to share some of the more um.. public-friendly aspects of my excusion into the deep South.

So, on Thursday June 30th, I left Athens almost immediately after my Quant 4 class to depart for Mobile. I had already gotten gas, and pretty much had some munchies in my car to get me out of the state of Georgia. I made excellent time, thanks to being driven by catching William before his class started (I didnt) and me being able to maintain a speed of at least 85 on I-65. Just as the numbers on I-65 were finally starting to get notably smaller (my exit was #3) I saw this:

I thought it was pretty cool really. There are a couple more pics, but I wont bore you with them since they really are just water and greenery. Nothing special...not even any boats. Quite remniscent of home actually. I had a good feeling about this place already.

So, I arrived at William's parent's house and meet mom and dad. They are lovely people. His dad reminds me of my grandpa, and his mother...well, his mom is a conglomeration of my mom, and the woman I will probably evolve into when Im their age. Kinda scary really. But once I realized that, I knew this was a woman I could hang out with. We ended up going to this really posh restuarant on the bay called Felix's (its got some more name, but I dont remember what it is). The food was wonderful!

After dinner, we came home. The Dr and William were both at home by this point and waiting for us. Needless to say, William and I quickly departed, ran some errands and then came home to catch up.

Lets see, the next day was Friday. The parents were still at home (they ended up not leaving until Saturday) so we went out to play. We did a little shopping, and a little sight seeing. We ended up at this spot he likes thats on the water. It used to be super secluded, but we saw a couple of different sets of people while we were there. The hurricane got to it, but he says they have rebuilt nicely. There are now benches and this nice walk way leading down to it:

...we had ALOT of fun while there.

Hmmm, I'll fast forward to some interesting stuff. On Saturday we had some plumbing drama and then a party-type activitiy that evening. That was cool cause I got to meet alot of his friends. Brad is my favorite friend (behind Jason of course).

We went to the outlets on Sunday in Foley. They were great. I bought a bag and some towels (I think thats all I bought). Then we went to see the Star Wars movie, and he subsequently fell asleep in it. I know, right? Last summer he fell asleep in Spiderman 2. Me, who has never seen a Star Wars movie, and him who wanted to see all of them but went to sleep on it. As anticipated, I enjoyed it- probably only understood a percentage of what I saw- but still enjoyed it. I keep telling myself its like seeing Harry Potter 3 without seeing 1 or 2, or the last Matrix movie without seeeing the first. Yes, you will enjoy it, but you will so NOT get it. Thats where I am.

When I decided I wasnt going to go home on Sunday (I felt like Rich had cheated me out of my missing a class period when he cancled class on Friday), we decided to do something fun for the 4th. We eventually ended up in New Orleans. Yes, New Orleans. How cool is that?We went to this place called Daiquiri's first to get some to-go drinks. Think Wet Willies (but to-go). Yes, I said to-go. I had never seen such! I think ours were incredible hulk flavored. But after the Friday night fiasco, and the subsequent Saturday night encore, we both had a little trepidation about drinking too much. Plus, I hadnt eaten that day, and would need to get something soon. We decided to eat (well, eventually decided..his first instinct was Wendy's but then he cancled that in favor of something more interesting) downtown instead.

We came into downtown on Canal Street. (See pics below).

We saw this really cute trolley on our way in. I saw the hotel we stayed at when the band was in town for the Sugar Bowl. The Popeyes and the random Wendy's that serves breakfast were my landmarks. I still havent been to another Wendy's that serves breakfast. Its the most random thing! William says that he saw one, but he decided to actually eat there! I dont think he especially enjoyed it because he says he should have just kept going to McDonalds. LOL.

We then parked the car and decided to wander around a bit. We stopped at the House of Blues for some dinner. Neither he nor I had ever eaten food there (we'd drank), so we thought It'd be fun. I had jumbalaya and he had pasta. His was "okay" and mine was tasty. It was an abnormally quick meal, and William took the opportunity to comment on the ratio of black women to black men in the restaurant. It was like 4:1 (okay okay, maybe 3:1, but still...). Here we are after dinner:

Then we headed over to Bourbon street.

He told me that I had to drink and that he will only drink one drink on Bourbon street called a Hand Grenade. I was down to experiment, so we wandered down Bourbon street until we found a place that served them. Here I am with mine. I think its my first...I had 2 total and the glasses are still in my back seat:

While on Bourbon street we saw the fireworks (YAY!), which made the night pretty much perfect. Except that I didnt get any barbeque (we had had SaucyQs the day before, and I had had ribs at Longhorn on Friday...so no more ribs!). Mom told me that Mr. Jeff sent ribs over on Monday, and shes going to save me some since I'll be home in a few weeks. I have the best mom in the world!

Because the next day was a school day for him, and a driving day for me, we said goodnight to New Orleans and Bourbon Street. But not before William pointed out that everyone serves alcohol in New Orleans (lol).

This is us on the way home. Actually, this is pretty much us the entire time I was there. Of course we argued, he got worked up and so did I, but thats seeming to be more like normal than anything for us. I think I can honestly say that we are working at it. We try to talk about issues when we have them, trying to both spare and salvage our feelings. Its really hard. But I think in the long run, its really beneficial.

And we both had a great time. See:

There are some other pics, but because I am dialing up, it takes a long time to insert them here. Besides, I was chased off the phone to do some work or practice or pack or something. None of which I have even remotely thought seriously about.

I should probably do that :)

xoxox

Aha!

People get married because they are in love.

Shit, I would if it was feasable right now. But it isnt.

Needless to say I had a marvelous weekend and am all screwy now because I had been waking up next to someone for 4 nights in a row, and this morning I was all by myself in my bed.

That amongst other things...

xoxox