(we can thank William for this one..waay too applicable.)
Leave
Matchbox Twenty
It’s amazing
How you make your face just like a wall
How you take your heart and turn it off
How I turn my head and lose it all
It’s unnerving
How just one move puts me by myself
There you go just trusting someone else
Now I know I put us both through hell
I’m not saying there wasn’t nothing wrong
I just didn’t think you’d ever get tired of me
I’m now saying we ever had the right to hold on
I just didn’t wanna let it get away from me
But if that’s how it’s gonna leave
Straight out from underneath
Then we’ll see who’s sorry now
If that’s how it’s gonna stand, when
You know you’ve been depending on
The one you’re leaving now
The one you’re leaving out
It’s aggravating
How you threw me on and you tore me out
How your good intentions turn to doubt
The way you needed time to sort it out
I’m not saying there wasn’t nothing wrong
I just didn’t think you’d ever get tired of me
I’m now saying we ever had the right to hold on
I just didn’t wanna let it get away from me
But if that’s how it’s gonna leave
Straight out from underneath
Then we’ll see who’s sorry now
If that’s how it’s gonna stand, when
You know you’ve been depending on
The one you’re leaving now
The one you’re leaving out
The one you’re leaving now
The one you’re leaving out
I’m not saying there wasn’t nothing wrong
I just didn’t think you’d ever get tired of me
But if that’s how it’s gonna leave
Straight out from underneath
Then we’ll see who’s sorry now
If that’s how it’s gonna stand, when
You know you’ve been depending on
The one you’re leaving now
The one you’re leaving out
Tell me is that how it’s going to end
When you know you’ve been depending on
The one you’re leaving now
And the one you’re leaving out
The one you’re leaving now
The one you’re leaving out
10.31.2005
Breaking Up is Hard to Do #9
Its one thing to choose him, to love him. But the thing I need to work on is what capacity is he going to serve in my life. I can love him and us not be together. But do I want that? Would I be okay with that? No, really okay (and not just I'm telling people okay while I'm silently suffering inside).
Now that I've gotten my feelings cleared up, THAT is what I'm going to work on.
xoxox
Now that I've gotten my feelings cleared up, THAT is what I'm going to work on.
xoxox
10.30.2005
Ranting is good for the soul
Disclaimer: I'm kinda thinky tonight (thanks Sarah), so I'm just going to deposit a few things that are on my mind right now. I'll stop back by later to survey the damage.
~
First things first: MOM has POWER!!!
My mommy has been without power since the hurricane came. Good thing it came back when it did because she is expected at work tomorrow. At least now, if she has to iron or if she has to do anything that requires power, she can. And maybe not be so salty about having to go back to work.
Oh wait, maybe thats me.
~
Yesterday I took some people off my buddy list. I know, I know, I just talked about a few days ago how I spread love through IMs. So, no. I dont really know what it means that I took someone off my buddy list. I'm sure it has something to do with me being tired of seeing their screen names on my buddy list. So, instead of incensing everytime they signed on or off (since I have the useful notification), I just removed them. In the event they IM me, I will recognize the screen name. And in the meantime, I'm much happier not having to feel their IM presence when I dont feel like a part of their lives.
~
First things first: MOM has POWER!!!
My mommy has been without power since the hurricane came. Good thing it came back when it did because she is expected at work tomorrow. At least now, if she has to iron or if she has to do anything that requires power, she can. And maybe not be so salty about having to go back to work.
Oh wait, maybe thats me.
~
Yesterday I took some people off my buddy list. I know, I know, I just talked about a few days ago how I spread love through IMs. So, no. I dont really know what it means that I took someone off my buddy list. I'm sure it has something to do with me being tired of seeing their screen names on my buddy list. So, instead of incensing everytime they signed on or off (since I have the useful notification), I just removed them. In the event they IM me, I will recognize the screen name. And in the meantime, I'm much happier not having to feel their IM presence when I dont feel like a part of their lives.
~
Fall Break was marvelous. I really REALLY needed that break from school. However, since its over, I am sad. I could go for another 24 hours or so. Perhaps I should just be satisfied that I got an extra hour last night (that by the way I totally forgot about). But I'm not. I want another day.
~
What do you do when you feel pressured to get over your ex, but at the same time still fully committed to make it work? I know you shouldnt feel both of those things but sometimes I just dont know how to feel. When I live in the moment, I feel like it is still me and him (together) against the world, trying to sort through a difficult time in our relationship. But then I flash back (using the Tivo in my mind) to the breakups and the frustrations. I swear, this is the hardest thing I have EVER had to do. This is a difficult relationship. I dont remember it being this hard prior to us declaring our undying love for each other, but it was also less filling (if that makes any sense).
I will say this though, loving someone unconditionally really speaks volumes. I'm not sure what it says, but it allows me to feel, allows me to heal, and allows me to understand in situations when I would be most likely to cut my loses and move on. I realize that falling in love happens. But staying in love, loving against all odds, loving against all advisement not to...thats a choice.
I choose to love. I love him. And in the name of the most basic algabraic equation (A=B, B=C, then A=C), I choose him.
I choose him. Wow.
Damn algebra....never really liked math, now I see why. Hmph!! We'll come back to this.
~
Thanks to Sarah, I am becoming quite a cook. I have sucesfully made a tasty pot of chilli, and a hearty pot of chicken soup/stew (stew because I LOVE lots of noodles...not so wild about the broth part- lol). I love Sarah. I have the best neighbor ever.
~
I dont think I like being put on the spot. I think its one thing to be prepared to be impromptu (lol) or rather to speak extemporaneously. But tonight was no such situation. Not only was I put on the spot, but I got to come after like 7 other people had spoken and essentially said the same things. Unfortunately, my experience isnt quite different from other minority students here at UGA. And the ones that had some stand out experiences had already spoken. I think in my random rant I was able to impart something interesting..(i think), but I would have been just as comfortable sitting at my table, sending text messages to WIlliam and Hil, and basically not paying a whole lot of attention and chatting with the prospective students. I hate to say this, but the banquet was rather boring. Maybe because I am already a graduate student with other kinda (non) important things to do, I was really anxious to get out of there.
Wait, who are we kidding? I knew I was missing Charmed, and I neded to see the Wives and the staff at Seattle Grace (Grey's Anatomy). I even had time to stop by Kroger and get home just in time to see that the Wives were a repeat. The nerve of ABC!!
Alright, going now. Enough ranting for tonight. If ranting were considered a legitimate form of exercise, I would be skinny. LOL.
xoxox
10.26.2005
Breaking Up is Hard to Do #8
I understand that he is going through some stuff, but I dont think I like when he decides that he's going to distance himself from me. Its just kinda rude to not click over when someone calls, or to call them back when you get off the phone. So, this is part 2 of the distancing, and I didnt find that out until I called him, just for him to say "um..Idunno." I hate that I miss him. This would be so much easier. I'm glad he is able to talk to me, but I dont like it when he doesnt call. Not because he is busy or something, but when I can get that feeling that its just because, or on general principle. Right. Just let me know so I wont call.
And he just signed on and has yet to IM me.
**Sigh**
No one loves him the way I do...
And he just signed on and has yet to IM me.
**Sigh**
No one loves him the way I do...
Yet another quiz about kissing..does anyone else see a pattern here?
If you didnt know, you should have asked somebody
| You're an Expert Kisser |
 |
What'>http://www.blogthings.com/whatkindofkisserareyouquiz/">What Kind of Kisser Are You?
This day was a good day
| Your Birthdate: May 20 |
 You have a warmhearted nature and emotional understanding that constantly seeks affection. You are very prone to become depressed and moody, as emotions can turn inward and cause anxiety and mental turmoil.It can be hard for you to bounce back to reality when depression sets in. When things are going well, you can go just as far the other way and become extremely affectionate. |
What'>http://www.blogthings.com/whatdoesyourbirthdatemeanquiz/">What Does Your Birth Date Mean?
Spread love, its the PK way
Why have a cell phone if you arent really going to use it?
Thats a question I ask myself often. But I think my friends ask it even more frequently than I do. Why? Because I dont call. And sadly, Im okay with that. They key is that your friends should understand that it IS possible to show love over IMs. Just because I dont call, it doesnt mean I'm not thinking about you. Now, if I dont IM you, THEN (and only then) should you begin to be worried.
Why call if you can just IM someone? I know its kinda anti-social, but for me, IMming is social. Its not just chat, its a lifestyle. Other thanw3 way, how many other ways can you think that you can have multiple distinct conversations with people who may or may not know each other? You just cant. And emailing is soooo slow. Imming is fast, easy, and just non-social enough to be polite. If you dont want to talk to someone, you can a) keep them on your buddy list and just keep tabs on them or b)keep them on your buddy list so you know when to act busy or to just not respond, or c) just dont respond if/when they IM you. The thing about IMs is that rarely does the other person know what youre doing at your house while theyre at their house/job. Unless they have witnessed the injustices that you bestow upoin others, most people dont think anything of it. And they usually think they are the only one youre talking to. You can usually pull that off too. Except when (like me this afternoon) I had one too many tasks that I was trying to multi-task and Erik got the short end of the stick..I had gotten all caught up in some Lethe drama (which by the way, I miss) and forgot to click on the link to look at the glasses at Target.com.
So yeah, the lesson there, if youre going to be a non-caller, at least you can be an attentive IMer. For some, they feed you to let you know they love and care about you. Me? I give shoutouts in my IMs; I put up away mesages before running off; I direct connect; and I dont sign off so you can leave me nice messages when I've gone to bed. Like I said, its a way of life..
xoxox
Thats a question I ask myself often. But I think my friends ask it even more frequently than I do. Why? Because I dont call. And sadly, Im okay with that. They key is that your friends should understand that it IS possible to show love over IMs. Just because I dont call, it doesnt mean I'm not thinking about you. Now, if I dont IM you, THEN (and only then) should you begin to be worried.
Why call if you can just IM someone? I know its kinda anti-social, but for me, IMming is social. Its not just chat, its a lifestyle. Other thanw3 way, how many other ways can you think that you can have multiple distinct conversations with people who may or may not know each other? You just cant. And emailing is soooo slow. Imming is fast, easy, and just non-social enough to be polite. If you dont want to talk to someone, you can a) keep them on your buddy list and just keep tabs on them or b)keep them on your buddy list so you know when to act busy or to just not respond, or c) just dont respond if/when they IM you. The thing about IMs is that rarely does the other person know what youre doing at your house while theyre at their house/job. Unless they have witnessed the injustices that you bestow upoin others, most people dont think anything of it. And they usually think they are the only one youre talking to. You can usually pull that off too. Except when (like me this afternoon) I had one too many tasks that I was trying to multi-task and Erik got the short end of the stick..I had gotten all caught up in some Lethe drama (which by the way, I miss) and forgot to click on the link to look at the glasses at Target.com.
So yeah, the lesson there, if youre going to be a non-caller, at least you can be an attentive IMer. For some, they feed you to let you know they love and care about you. Me? I give shoutouts in my IMs; I put up away mesages before running off; I direct connect; and I dont sign off so you can leave me nice messages when I've gone to bed. Like I said, its a way of life..
xoxox
10.24.2005
Random Question #3
Is it possible for something to be too watermelon?
The reason why I ask is because I was venturing out while at the grocery store in hunt for a random dinner idea when I decided on Smirnoff Ice (Watermelon). I had decided that this may be a suitable alternative to my discontinued beloved cranberry. I was thinking "I like watermelon as much as the next girl...I had that yummy watermelon martini at O'Sheas...watermelon jolly ranchers are great...etcetera etcetera." Well, I think this may be too Watermelon.
Not like its going to stop me from drinking them..
The reason why I ask is because I was venturing out while at the grocery store in hunt for a random dinner idea when I decided on Smirnoff Ice (Watermelon). I had decided that this may be a suitable alternative to my discontinued beloved cranberry. I was thinking "I like watermelon as much as the next girl...I had that yummy watermelon martini at O'Sheas...watermelon jolly ranchers are great...etcetera etcetera." Well, I think this may be too Watermelon.
Not like its going to stop me from drinking them..
10.22.2005
Graduate School: Not for the Weak at Heart
Anxiety
Its an emotion I could say that I am barely familiar with. I get anxious about minor stuff but its usually in the confines of my apartment, or my car, and generally because of someone else throwing a variable or a wench (po-tay-to/po-tah-to) in my carefully laid plans. Its usually really brief, just enough to get my heartrate up a notch, and like I said earlier, most people dont see it.
If I am going to be freaking out about something, and I'm telling you about it, you have probably missed the show.
However, graduate school trumps normality.
Yesterday, me and the other second AND third years had to do our thesis presentations. From the 7th to the Monday before I was totally fine. On Tuesday I had a to do a run thru for Mike and it was not good. I was underprepared (both unknowingly and knowingly) and I felt really bad.
Cue anxiety - stage left.
Well, anxiety is not a "Las vegas showgirl...shes a headliner," and when I tell you she stuck around until well into Friday afternoon (AFTER my presentation), I am not kidding. I am just now starting to not be so worked up about it. But I think my shoulders are tense, I am barely hungry, I am still very very tired, and I have work to do which lets me know that not only were my emotions all tied up in this but the anxiety I was holding prisoner was stressing me out as well.
William asked how I was, and I told him stressed all the way out. Sadly, I have told him this more than once this semester, and it isnt even Fall Break yet. Come on Fall Break!!!
Sarah says that graduate school is academic hazing. Kevin says that he doesnt mind being in school right now because when he goes home, he's done thinking about work. (I wish). And I say that I can see how graduate students become alcoholics.
Its over for now. So I'm going to enjoy this non-thesis after glow that I am inevitably sporting right now. Until its time to read for Monday or send out Psi Chi emails. More like a coffee break that runs a little long :)
xoxox
Its an emotion I could say that I am barely familiar with. I get anxious about minor stuff but its usually in the confines of my apartment, or my car, and generally because of someone else throwing a variable or a wench (po-tay-to/po-tah-to) in my carefully laid plans. Its usually really brief, just enough to get my heartrate up a notch, and like I said earlier, most people dont see it.
If I am going to be freaking out about something, and I'm telling you about it, you have probably missed the show.
However, graduate school trumps normality.
Yesterday, me and the other second AND third years had to do our thesis presentations. From the 7th to the Monday before I was totally fine. On Tuesday I had a to do a run thru for Mike and it was not good. I was underprepared (both unknowingly and knowingly) and I felt really bad.
Cue anxiety - stage left.
Well, anxiety is not a "Las vegas showgirl...shes a headliner," and when I tell you she stuck around until well into Friday afternoon (AFTER my presentation), I am not kidding. I am just now starting to not be so worked up about it. But I think my shoulders are tense, I am barely hungry, I am still very very tired, and I have work to do which lets me know that not only were my emotions all tied up in this but the anxiety I was holding prisoner was stressing me out as well.
William asked how I was, and I told him stressed all the way out. Sadly, I have told him this more than once this semester, and it isnt even Fall Break yet. Come on Fall Break!!!
Sarah says that graduate school is academic hazing. Kevin says that he doesnt mind being in school right now because when he goes home, he's done thinking about work. (I wish). And I say that I can see how graduate students become alcoholics.
Its over for now. So I'm going to enjoy this non-thesis after glow that I am inevitably sporting right now. Until its time to read for Monday or send out Psi Chi emails. More like a coffee break that runs a little long :)
xoxox
10.17.2005
Propositions and Stepping
So, I'm sitting here generally overthinking my life (whats new right) when I get an IM from a friend of mine who I've grown rather fond of ever since he told me that he wanted me to be his girlfriend since William and I had broken up, but in the meantime I could be his secret girlfriend since I wasnt supposed to tell anyone about his (secret) desire.
Cute, right? Totally embracing the secret girl friend title. Makes me smile, feel special, ya'll know how I do.
So tonight, Im sitting here talking to him, alerting him to my two planned trips to South Florida for Thanskgiving and Christmas so he can add hanging out with me to his plans, when he asks me to be his girlfriend when I come into town. At first I kinda laughed it off, but then I went back and read it and was like "as in a 4-day committment?" and he said "yes."
At first I kinda giggled (honestly, I think thats my defense mechanism ya'll) but then I was like, it may not be quite so bad. Kinda like a relationship test run. So I asked next, what would it entail, and he said dinner, movies, and other more x-rated things, and that was when I realized he was kinda serious.
Step 1: Secret Girlfriend
Step 2: Temporary/Trial Run Girlfriend
Step 3: ????
Idunno. Needless to say, I told him that Thanksgiving might not be the best time for all of that. But maybe over the Christmas break. I'll essentially be at home for 3 weeks with a whole lot of nothing to do. I wont be working, maybe doing some reading, but mostly just doin nothing, especially until Dionne isnt working. I do feel special though that he thought of me in that way. And I could go for some decent company (from someone out of school and with a job that can take ME out for a change)...
So maybe.
xoxox
Cute, right? Totally embracing the secret girl friend title. Makes me smile, feel special, ya'll know how I do.
So tonight, Im sitting here talking to him, alerting him to my two planned trips to South Florida for Thanskgiving and Christmas so he can add hanging out with me to his plans, when he asks me to be his girlfriend when I come into town. At first I kinda laughed it off, but then I went back and read it and was like "as in a 4-day committment?" and he said "yes."
At first I kinda giggled (honestly, I think thats my defense mechanism ya'll) but then I was like, it may not be quite so bad. Kinda like a relationship test run. So I asked next, what would it entail, and he said dinner, movies, and other more x-rated things, and that was when I realized he was kinda serious.
Step 1: Secret Girlfriend
Step 2: Temporary/Trial Run Girlfriend
Step 3: ????
Idunno. Needless to say, I told him that Thanksgiving might not be the best time for all of that. But maybe over the Christmas break. I'll essentially be at home for 3 weeks with a whole lot of nothing to do. I wont be working, maybe doing some reading, but mostly just doin nothing, especially until Dionne isnt working. I do feel special though that he thought of me in that way. And I could go for some decent company (from someone out of school and with a job that can take ME out for a change)...
So maybe.
xoxox
Breaking Up is Hard to Do #7
Understand
I hope you'll understand
That I can't always come when you call
Understand everybody has their faults
Please understand not to worry who I'm with or what I do
Cause I understand that I'm in love with you
Do you understand that I'm in love with you
I keep our song on repeat
On my ipod, even when I sleep
And in my dream I'm holding you
Alone on an island just us two
[Chorus]
The last guy had me so wrong
He kept complaining I was away too long
Don't treat me that way cause in your head
You've got to trust me I won't be led
[Chorus]
I hope your mind ain't working overtime
I hope your memories are full of good times with me
Don't trip if right now I can't answer the phone
Cause you know that soon I'll be coming home
[Chorus]
Do you understand
Cause I understand
Do you understand that I'm in love with you boy
I'm so in love with you, so in love with you
Cause I understand
Do you?
Do you understand that I'm in love with you
Do you understand I'm in love with you
~Joss Stone, I couldnt have said it better myself. Thank you.
I hope you'll understand
That I can't always come when you call
Understand everybody has their faults
Please understand not to worry who I'm with or what I do
Cause I understand that I'm in love with you
Do you understand that I'm in love with you
I keep our song on repeat
On my ipod, even when I sleep
And in my dream I'm holding you
Alone on an island just us two
[Chorus]
The last guy had me so wrong
He kept complaining I was away too long
Don't treat me that way cause in your head
You've got to trust me I won't be led
[Chorus]
I hope your mind ain't working overtime
I hope your memories are full of good times with me
Don't trip if right now I can't answer the phone
Cause you know that soon I'll be coming home
[Chorus]
Do you understand
Cause I understand
Do you understand that I'm in love with you boy
I'm so in love with you, so in love with you
Cause I understand
Do you?
Do you understand that I'm in love with you
Do you understand I'm in love with you
~Joss Stone, I couldnt have said it better myself. Thank you.
10.11.2005
Breaking Up is Hard to Do #6
I wish I didnt love him. Then it would be so much easier to just be rude.
10.08.2005
Random Question #2
Why didnt someone tell me that the sexy doctor from Grey's Anatomy is the same guy that was in Love Jones???
10.07.2005
Oozing Enjoyable-ness
I am really starting to enjoy my Friday evenings. When I am in town, I am usually spending them with some combination of my Officemate, Larse, Kristin, and/or my favorite neighbor Sarah. People always say that they met some of their best friends in undergrad, and although that is true for me (ie: Lethe, Rise) I will have to add my gradschool friends to the list. Those are my girls, and its amazing to me the bond that we have established in the last year and some change. They're my support system, some of the first to hear my news both good and bad, and the ones that put up with my randomness and madness on a day to day basis.
So, tonight Officemate called a little after 6 just wanting to unwind and hang for a bit. So we sat in my livingroom and ran down the events of the day and opened a bottle of wine. I had planned to go to Sarah's for chilli, so of course officemate came too. I decided to cook a few place and bake chocolate chip cookies to bring for dessert. We ended up watching some of that 70s show (which I was totally lost with since I dont watch it) and then somehow started talking about Love Actually (one of our favorites) and decided to pop it in. So we continued to eat and laugh and almost cry, and just enjoy the movie. Afterwards, it was time to go home, but here I am blogging.
Believe it or not I even skimmed an article! I know right! Pathetic. I should be enjoying the evening, school free, but I am sitting here thinking about self-enhancement, breakups, and blogging. Im going to do better tomorrow. Its all cleaning and reading because I'm going to Atlanta tomorrow after Larse's game day party.
Overall, (as Officemate would say) a very enjoyable evening :)
xoxox
So, tonight Officemate called a little after 6 just wanting to unwind and hang for a bit. So we sat in my livingroom and ran down the events of the day and opened a bottle of wine. I had planned to go to Sarah's for chilli, so of course officemate came too. I decided to cook a few place and bake chocolate chip cookies to bring for dessert. We ended up watching some of that 70s show (which I was totally lost with since I dont watch it) and then somehow started talking about Love Actually (one of our favorites) and decided to pop it in. So we continued to eat and laugh and almost cry, and just enjoy the movie. Afterwards, it was time to go home, but here I am blogging.
Believe it or not I even skimmed an article! I know right! Pathetic. I should be enjoying the evening, school free, but I am sitting here thinking about self-enhancement, breakups, and blogging. Im going to do better tomorrow. Its all cleaning and reading because I'm going to Atlanta tomorrow after Larse's game day party.
Overall, (as Officemate would say) a very enjoyable evening :)
xoxox
Breaking Up is Hard to Do #2-5
The key is to find a happy medium with the ex. Sad for me is that I still care very much for my ex, and I wasnt exceptionally angry about breaking up. Now dont get me wrong, I was good and peeved, mostly because I had just returned from visiting and as high as gas is right now, I could have been single and stayed my happy ass home. Lord knows I could have used the rest. So after being peeved and having zero contact, we moved back up to Imming, and I edited a paper for him, and we talked for like 50 minutes last night. Almost just like old times. Almost. I havent forgotten, nor have I gotten so comfy cozy with us that I will fall back into his arms. I will be in his arms, but as the friend. I will love him unconditionally still- but as the friend, and the fabulous ex girlfriend. He always said that he would hire me one day to be his personal assistant, becuase I would do an excellent job. Dont know how the husband will feel about that, but if the money's right...
~
The easiest way is to get over a man is to get a new man. I dont want to utilize that method this time. Im not anti getting a new man, and Lord knows all the "friends" are willing to fill in for William in his "duties" department, but I'm really thinking that I am saving myself for someone. And believe it or not, it isnt William. I cant believe I have a legitimate crush, and all this time he was right under my nose. Well, a little closer than that, but still non-datable. And for all I know, he still may be. But its taking everything in me to not spring into action. I find myself sending the text here and there, but what I am dying to know is if he is wondering if this is his second chance for a good thing. He may not have even given it any thought beyond him pep talking me into believing that I will find another love, and to not go looking for it. And I promise, this time I wasnt looking, the pieces of the puzzle kept showing up...
~
Its fascinating to me when I look at my relationship how far off the mark I was/am with William. Like I continue to tell people, I love him to death, but when I look at where I am in my life, and who I would want to be with that can relate on the most basic level to the responsibility that grows exponentially when you live by yourself and have a full time job (graduate school), and other albeit social obligations that crowd the space that I call my life, he just cant really relate. He isnt there. He hasnt had those experiences. The stress, the pressure to succeed. Even the most basic things that people have when they are about to be 25, he is still working on aquiring. And I will never go down in history as someone who will not work with a brotha. But where does working with someone end, and waiting on something that may not really happen begin? I think I would hate to be that person even more than I'd hate to be bitchy and unable to work with someone. I want my man to be able to feel like he can be himself with me, and that he is able to grow and express himself, and to be a work in progress and be okay with that, knowing that I am okay with it too. And I know that I am young. The next person I date will probably be young as well. When you are young there is still an entire world out there to conquer, and I wanna be able to have a conquering partner- one that hasnt already mapped out the course of our journey, but willing to make some stops along the way.
~
I generally dont keep a list of things I'm looking for in someone. I dont think I really have a type..or maybe I had a type and then worked really hard to discredit it. I know that for awhile, my only justification for liking someone was because they were interesting, and I feel like that is still a valid reason for liking someone. However, as I get older, I'm starting to think that I maybe should add some other things to the list. I feel very comfortable putting tall back on there as an added benefit (since I had let it go because of WEB). But employment, a bank account, and the ability to make plans long term are definitely back on there permenantly. Wanting to get married is on there, the man proposing is on there, and him being supportive of my dreams, aspirations, career goals, and other randomness bring up the rear of the new staples. I also want to put as a conditional list member what I'll call the essence of William...not sure what I mean by that, but sometimes the craziness that drove me mad is refreshing. And it goes without being said, he needs to be interesting.
~
The easiest way is to get over a man is to get a new man. I dont want to utilize that method this time. Im not anti getting a new man, and Lord knows all the "friends" are willing to fill in for William in his "duties" department, but I'm really thinking that I am saving myself for someone. And believe it or not, it isnt William. I cant believe I have a legitimate crush, and all this time he was right under my nose. Well, a little closer than that, but still non-datable. And for all I know, he still may be. But its taking everything in me to not spring into action. I find myself sending the text here and there, but what I am dying to know is if he is wondering if this is his second chance for a good thing. He may not have even given it any thought beyond him pep talking me into believing that I will find another love, and to not go looking for it. And I promise, this time I wasnt looking, the pieces of the puzzle kept showing up...
~
Its fascinating to me when I look at my relationship how far off the mark I was/am with William. Like I continue to tell people, I love him to death, but when I look at where I am in my life, and who I would want to be with that can relate on the most basic level to the responsibility that grows exponentially when you live by yourself and have a full time job (graduate school), and other albeit social obligations that crowd the space that I call my life, he just cant really relate. He isnt there. He hasnt had those experiences. The stress, the pressure to succeed. Even the most basic things that people have when they are about to be 25, he is still working on aquiring. And I will never go down in history as someone who will not work with a brotha. But where does working with someone end, and waiting on something that may not really happen begin? I think I would hate to be that person even more than I'd hate to be bitchy and unable to work with someone. I want my man to be able to feel like he can be himself with me, and that he is able to grow and express himself, and to be a work in progress and be okay with that, knowing that I am okay with it too. And I know that I am young. The next person I date will probably be young as well. When you are young there is still an entire world out there to conquer, and I wanna be able to have a conquering partner- one that hasnt already mapped out the course of our journey, but willing to make some stops along the way.
~
I generally dont keep a list of things I'm looking for in someone. I dont think I really have a type..or maybe I had a type and then worked really hard to discredit it. I know that for awhile, my only justification for liking someone was because they were interesting, and I feel like that is still a valid reason for liking someone. However, as I get older, I'm starting to think that I maybe should add some other things to the list. I feel very comfortable putting tall back on there as an added benefit (since I had let it go because of WEB). But employment, a bank account, and the ability to make plans long term are definitely back on there permenantly. Wanting to get married is on there, the man proposing is on there, and him being supportive of my dreams, aspirations, career goals, and other randomness bring up the rear of the new staples. I also want to put as a conditional list member what I'll call the essence of William...not sure what I mean by that, but sometimes the craziness that drove me mad is refreshing. And it goes without being said, he needs to be interesting.
10.04.2005
Breaking Up Is Hard to Do #1
Right now, the thing I miss most is having someone to talk to call right now.
Well, not right now...Nip/Tuck is on.
Well, not right now...Nip/Tuck is on.
Breaking Up is Hard to Do (Explanation)
As a thinker (hahah, dont tell my teachers) and a processer..and subsequently a ruminator, I wanna talk about the breakup and the implications for the rest of my world, but I dont want to just do it at one time.
So the following entries will be just things here and there...as I think of them. I dont know how many there will be...there may only be just one. Please bear with me.
So the following entries will be just things here and there...as I think of them. I dont know how many there will be...there may only be just one. Please bear with me.
Random Question #1
Alright, so can someone tell me why exactly the girls on Top Model cry when other people are "no longer in the running to be America's Next Top Model?"
I guess being happy about making it to the next round isn't en vogue.
I guess being happy about making it to the next round isn't en vogue.
10.01.2005
Sex, Lies, and Other Randomness
Greetings from Alabama everyone...
So I'm sitting here (after checking both email accounts and joining yet ANOTHER yahoo webgroup) about nothing really. I thought that since I was still sprawled across the bed- quite decently attired mind you, that I could start streatching my favorite and at the present time, only used muscule...the one under my hair.
Speaking of hair, its quite strange how people react to you when you change your hair. I have alot of experience with this lately because I have been a virtual hair chameleon...one week curly, the next bone straight, and then when its extra foggy or straight up raining, the short spunky pixie cut (a la the wig). I was acustomed to everyone at school being familiar with my hair changes, but I forgot we got a whole new crop of people in this year who I proceeded to shock the shit out of on multiple occasions. Its great. Totally makes me giggle. Sharon suggested that I cut it permenantly, but I dont forsee doing that anytime soon. I have worked so hard to get it back (well, not really, but you know).
Um, lets see. Last week I went on a random telephone crusade to make sure that I still had all my booty calls lined up. No, Im not planning to take them up on the offer, but its something about having the option. Maybe some sort of ego booster. But not only did the guys (its only 3, and none of them are geographically desirable, nor are they William- end of story) say that was still an option, I believe they all said they would be stupid not to if the opportunity presented itself. LOL.
Im looking back up at the title, and I realize no lies...I hadnt planned to ramble about lies. I must have thought that was cute...
And in my final thought for now, I think I want to be a lifecoach. Or something along that lines. Is it wrong to not desire to make huge stacks of money in place of leading a truly rewarding life? Who wouldnt want to help change the world one person at a time? Right? Thats what I'll keep telling myself. I really believe I would be good at that. Either that or TV show :)
xoxox
So I'm sitting here (after checking both email accounts and joining yet ANOTHER yahoo webgroup) about nothing really. I thought that since I was still sprawled across the bed- quite decently attired mind you, that I could start streatching my favorite and at the present time, only used muscule...the one under my hair.
Speaking of hair, its quite strange how people react to you when you change your hair. I have alot of experience with this lately because I have been a virtual hair chameleon...one week curly, the next bone straight, and then when its extra foggy or straight up raining, the short spunky pixie cut (a la the wig). I was acustomed to everyone at school being familiar with my hair changes, but I forgot we got a whole new crop of people in this year who I proceeded to shock the shit out of on multiple occasions. Its great. Totally makes me giggle. Sharon suggested that I cut it permenantly, but I dont forsee doing that anytime soon. I have worked so hard to get it back (well, not really, but you know).
Um, lets see. Last week I went on a random telephone crusade to make sure that I still had all my booty calls lined up. No, Im not planning to take them up on the offer, but its something about having the option. Maybe some sort of ego booster. But not only did the guys (its only 3, and none of them are geographically desirable, nor are they William- end of story) say that was still an option, I believe they all said they would be stupid not to if the opportunity presented itself. LOL.
Im looking back up at the title, and I realize no lies...I hadnt planned to ramble about lies. I must have thought that was cute...
And in my final thought for now, I think I want to be a lifecoach. Or something along that lines. Is it wrong to not desire to make huge stacks of money in place of leading a truly rewarding life? Who wouldnt want to help change the world one person at a time? Right? Thats what I'll keep telling myself. I really believe I would be good at that. Either that or TV show :)
xoxox
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