Breaking Up is Hard to Do #2-5

The key is to find a happy medium with the ex. Sad for me is that I still care very much for my ex, and I wasnt exceptionally angry about breaking up. Now dont get me wrong, I was good and peeved, mostly because I had just returned from visiting and as high as gas is right now, I could have been single and stayed my happy ass home. Lord knows I could have used the rest. So after being peeved and having zero contact, we moved back up to Imming, and I edited a paper for him, and we talked for like 50 minutes last night. Almost just like old times. Almost. I havent forgotten, nor have I gotten so comfy cozy with us that I will fall back into his arms. I will be in his arms, but as the friend. I will love him unconditionally still- but as the friend, and the fabulous ex girlfriend. He always said that he would hire me one day to be his personal assistant, becuase I would do an excellent job. Dont know how the husband will feel about that, but if the money's right...

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The easiest way is to get over a man is to get a new man. I dont want to utilize that method this time. Im not anti getting a new man, and Lord knows all the "friends" are willing to fill in for William in his "duties" department, but I'm really thinking that I am saving myself for someone. And believe it or not, it isnt William. I cant believe I have a legitimate crush, and all this time he was right under my nose. Well, a little closer than that, but still non-datable. And for all I know, he still may be. But its taking everything in me to not spring into action. I find myself sending the text here and there, but what I am dying to know is if he is wondering if this is his second chance for a good thing. He may not have even given it any thought beyond him pep talking me into believing that I will find another love, and to not go looking for it. And I promise, this time I wasnt looking, the pieces of the puzzle kept showing up...

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Its fascinating to me when I look at my relationship how far off the mark I was/am with William. Like I continue to tell people, I love him to death, but when I look at where I am in my life, and who I would want to be with that can relate on the most basic level to the responsibility that grows exponentially when you live by yourself and have a full time job (graduate school), and other albeit social obligations that crowd the space that I call my life, he just cant really relate. He isnt there. He hasnt had those experiences. The stress, the pressure to succeed. Even the most basic things that people have when they are about to be 25, he is still working on aquiring. And I will never go down in history as someone who will not work with a brotha. But where does working with someone end, and waiting on something that may not really happen begin? I think I would hate to be that person even more than I'd hate to be bitchy and unable to work with someone. I want my man to be able to feel like he can be himself with me, and that he is able to grow and express himself, and to be a work in progress and be okay with that, knowing that I am okay with it too. And I know that I am young. The next person I date will probably be young as well. When you are young there is still an entire world out there to conquer, and I wanna be able to have a conquering partner- one that hasnt already mapped out the course of our journey, but willing to make some stops along the way.

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I generally dont keep a list of things I'm looking for in someone. I dont think I really have a type..or maybe I had a type and then worked really hard to discredit it. I know that for awhile, my only justification for liking someone was because they were interesting, and I feel like that is still a valid reason for liking someone. However, as I get older, I'm starting to think that I maybe should add some other things to the list. I feel very comfortable putting tall back on there as an added benefit (since I had let it go because of WEB). But employment, a bank account, and the ability to make plans long term are definitely back on there permenantly. Wanting to get married is on there, the man proposing is on there, and him being supportive of my dreams, aspirations, career goals, and other randomness bring up the rear of the new staples. I also want to put as a conditional list member what I'll call the essence of William...not sure what I mean by that, but sometimes the craziness that drove me mad is refreshing. And it goes without being said, he needs to be interesting.