Part 2: Who I Am and Who I Am Not

So as I was sitting here reading another blog, and thinking about my entry from last night. (needing to be doing something productive while here at school, but you know...), I found myself being able to totally relate to this girl I dont even know.

What she said was that she had been in this 6 year relationship, it was her first love, and she made him tell her to her face that he was no longer in love with her.

Sidenote: Now, I have had that conversation. And it hurts. Especially when you are still in love with the other person and you dont want to admit it. Like shooting yourself in the foot really. And the plot thickens when you later find out that the whole conversation was driven by hurt & anger and not the originally percieved love-lost. I digress.

Although her inital comments struck me, it was when she got to the meat and potatoes. And its the age old concept of being in love with being together. She went to talk about the "idea" of them, and how in actuality it was the years and the memories keeping them together. I think the key is a delicate balance between reminiscing on old times and making new memories. The growth that fosters lasting relationships. The sparks, the passion, the drive to make each day better than the next, the perfection, the balance, the "where have you been all my life," the "I wanna get married thouhts."

And with "Him" I just dont have it. All we have is all the time we have been together off and on. The excitement I should have with him and for starting this new chapter of our lives is absent in a major way. I have a hard time even faking it. And because he is so non-involved with my life, who I am, and who Im trying to become, he doesnt even realize that this is not who I am in a loving and meaningful relationship. (That, and Wiliam & I think hes going to propose with this terrible cliche' 3-stone diamond monstrosity...)

I am not the girl who doesnt call before bed to say "goodnight, I love you" or first thing in the morning to say "goodmorning, I love you, have a great day." I am not the girl who wont get off the phone with her mother to talk to you when she hasnt talked to you (not even a text) all day. And while on the subject of text messages, I am not the girl who would rather text message you than hear your voice. I am not the girl who realizes and allows you to be uninvolved in her life, and uses that fact (or lack there of) as an opportunity to continue to not share.

Thats just not who I am. Why doesnt he realize that? Last night, I giggled about him being so clueless, but today I am more disturbed than anything really. But I think what is most disturbing is that I will be able to keep this up as long as I want to be bothered (yes, I said that) and that I dont think that we would be "associated" if I werent still here in GA and didnt get bored ever so often. Yes, he is newly employed. Yes, he has cute condo. Yes, he makes promises to do better- going out, eating at the best restaurants, trips to Athens after work and weekends. But in my mind theyre all promises. I've heard them all before. And I am not the girl who lives in broken promises and disappointments.

That is a problem. Who commits themself wholly to a relationship they dont believe in? That they will openly admit they dont believe in? Where is the faith? The hope? There is none. I am dually prepared to be wined & dined, AND let down.

But if I were a betting woman (and I am not- I'd rather throw my money away at the mall), I would put my chump change on being let down. Or actually, on not really caring either way. I see now (its practically jumping out at me) that the plus side with him is the IDEA of us being together, but not its practical application. These days I am not even sure if I were ever in love with him. When we finally got together (please dont ask me an anniversary date..maybe Sept 2003, maybe January 2004) I was dredging through the emotional wasteland that was our relationship, patiently awaiting what turned out to be relational handouts, table scraps even, which I used to piece together our haphazard and soon to be disasterous relationship.

So now youre asking, why in the world are you back there? Because of his texts (note: not chats or calls) about doing better and about loving me, and about us getting it right..blah blah blah. Again, empty promises. What girl doesnt want to hear that stuff? Ask me about improvements over the last calender year. No, better yet, ask him. When I bring it up these days its mostly for shits and giggles. And it wasnt until I fell in love forreal that I knew that what Him and I had leaned more towards completly bogus and a waste of time. And even when I was spouting off to people about William and I not working out, what I failed to realize at the time was that being in love with (and loved by) William changed me. I was no longer the girl I used to be.

Now, I am the girl who realizes that you can waste your time (hell, entertain yourself even), but you shouldnt waste your emotions on people who dont know you, and/or who arent trying to relieve the dissonance.

I am her if I am nobody else.