So, I guess since I have been talking about how breakups are hard (this one is particularly difficult) that its time to put up or shut up.
Its time to act like we are broken up.
Because we are. I just had the beginnings (and possibly the end) of an interesting chat with William that could easily be incapsulated by a couple of lines of text
(it went something like this)
W: What are we doing?
P: Idunno.
(a few statements later...)
W: If we are broken up, and we know we arent supposed to be together, and arent trying to be together, are we going through the motions of being together?
P: Because we like being together.
And that was it for me. That is an answer that I have not really been looking for, but have been kinda toying with since yesterday when I dropped William off in Atlanta. After a lovely weekend together (one 1 fight) and a cute "couple's evening" (even though we arent a couple) and a rather uneventful but meaningful goodbye, I was left thinking that "Oh god, I love him" and of course "I'm really going to miss him." All normal responses to your boyfriend leaving.
But, William isnt my boyfriend. I know.
Which puts me here tonight. In the midst of gushing about the fabulous weekend I had (and keeping the part about fabulous sex to myself), and talking about our ongoing fight about him smoking in my car, and how we can participate in couple's functions even though we arent because thats how we roll... I find myself [finally] on the page that William is on.
What is the point.
I feel like it is okay to want to be together and enjoy being together, even if you know being together is wrong. But I also hear him when he says that he doesnt feel like he can give me what I need when I am going to want/need it. You dont ignore someone when they are expressing themself like that. I have to listen to him when he says that he doesnt see where "this" is going, what the expected outcomes are, and that he predicts that in the end, someone will be dissapointed. If I were a betting woman, I would put my money on me.
Is this the method of choice for getting over an ex? Do I even want to get over him? And what does my apparent inability (unwillingness) to sit and process the situation say about how I feel about it. Am I willing to confront it? I think I might be. I love William. I feel like I need to keep saying it aloud because that emotion is real. It is so real for me that it is ingrained in the essence of who I am. Knowing William has made me a better person and [sadly] I like being his girlfriend. Definitely not all peachy keen all the time, but for the most part, the good times are fabulous, and the bad times can be used as stepping stones...
I'm scared. I find myself in a neighboring place of where I was almost a year ago, the last time we broke up. I wasnt prepared to not be his girlfriend. I wasnt prepared to love someone else. And especially the way that I love him.
I DONT KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO DO.
thinking obsessively about it (for now)...
xoxox
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1 comment:
remove the title of 'girlfriend' and relax the pressure of having a definite answer. Love is a shade of grey, very rarely resting on a definite black (wonderful state) or white ("stepping stone"). Its a hard choice to make and an even harder place to be because there is always pressure about the structure, titles, and other insignificant things that get in the way of what you really respond to which is...the emotion. If you love him and I'm sure he loves you despite his "other issues" then allow yourself to revel in that emotion. Im not suggesting that you settle for b.s. I am simply saying that there is nothing wrong with having a raw unharnessed emotion for someone else, even when that emotion doesn't conveniently fit in anyone else's parameters. To borrow from a sappy and eye-rollingly sweet line from Hitch "Life is not measured by the breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away." Even if the situation is for a season...you will walk away with those breathless moments and the stepping stones.
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