The Art of the Fling and Happy New Year!!

So, it wasnt until recently (like yesterday) that I finally sorted out why people have flings. Because they should be fun. If executed properly, they ARE fun.

Por exemplo, my ex from high school...totally fling-worthy. Why? Because he broke up with me and [sadly] regrets it I think, which essentially means I have the power. I can (and do) come and go as I please. Its something to occupy my time.

Another ex. he is a bum right now. Flingworthy? Yes! As the fling, you could care less about their goals and aspirations and how long its taking them to get there. You just want to have fun.

Some of my close guy friends? Also fling worthy...no desire to date them seriously. I know them too well.

As you can see, exes are the most readily available for flings. Esepecially since if you broke up on relatively decent terms (or the years have tempered your emotions and you are now on decent terms), but there is definitely a reason(s) that you would not be with them for now, they are safe. Now, William? No fling available here. Just not going to happen.

Long story short, I get the fling now. I think I am at the place where I'm not necessarily looking for a boyfriend, which allows me to have flings, and to have some fun. Thank goodness!!

Oh, and Happy New Year!

Random Question #7

What the hell has happened to rappers and the movie industry? Have they run out of things to talk about?

Case in point: Tony Yayo ( a la "I know you dont love me") and the current trend of bringing musicals to the big screen. What happened to all of our creative genius?? Well, no, I take that back...the move industry runs out of things to talk about sometimes, but rappers...they are coming out with some straight bullshit. Bullshit with a great beat: formula for succes. I digress. I dont regularly watch BET (or MTV for that matter) and now I see why.

Hot chocolate is not as fabulous as I remember it being...

Random Question #6

So why didnt anyone tell me that Jamie Foxx is featured with Adina Howard on the T-Shirt and Panties song? I have iTunes to thank for the discovery.

slightly miffed

So, dinner at Sarah's tonight was absolutely fabulous: macaroni and cheese, meatloaf, and greenbeans. I was enjoying the wine and the food and the chat until my friends essentially decided that I was incapable of getting our friend Kristin to the airport on time tomorrow. You should have seen it, people shaking their heads, saying "you know how you are." And I really wanted to say "take your own self to the airport since I'm so unpredictable." But I didnt. And because I didnt, I'm trying not to be so pissed about it.

Doesnt help me pack any faster.

Random Question #5

Why are we able to like multiple (and very different) people at the same time?

A few thoughts to report

Sometimes I wish I was able to meet people on the facebook before I met them in person. Prime example, a heiffa that me and some of my friends dont especially care for has a really nice facebook page. A little on the braggy side, but even still, she has diverse interests, were about the same age, and just overall, its a pretty nice page. She seems like a nice girl. Seems. Unfortunate for me (and my growing liking of her facebook page), I have already met her. And I dont really care for her. Which leaves me with a mild dissonace residue. Only a little bit though because I have met her already, which kinda cancels out me thinking her page is really nice.

Oh well.

Additionally, I have fallen in love with Star Wars. I am not sure why I had never gotten into it. Maybe because in my book it was more like Star Trek than Harry Potter (even with that whole thing with the force being innate). Anyway, I saw the third one with William, and then I rented the first one - well, first episode. And then ChrisB let me borrow the second one, and I am officially hooked. Although I need to see them all again becuase I know there is some stuff I missed. Very excited to see how the saga ends :)

I'm leaving now because its time to depart. Me, Officemate, and Whit are driving down to Jacksonville for SSSP. Steve and Keen, Lenny, ChrisB and his Laura, are all going down too. I think were going out tonight. Should be fun. Be back late tomorrow.

xoxox

Breaking Up is Hard to Do #11

So, I guess since I have been talking about how breakups are hard (this one is particularly difficult) that its time to put up or shut up.

Its time to act like we are broken up.

Because we are. I just had the beginnings (and possibly the end) of an interesting chat with William that could easily be incapsulated by a couple of lines of text

(it went something like this)

W: What are we doing?
P: Idunno.
(a few statements later...)
W: If we are broken up, and we know we arent supposed to be together, and arent trying to be together, are we going through the motions of being together?
P: Because we like being together.

And that was it for me. That is an answer that I have not really been looking for, but have been kinda toying with since yesterday when I dropped William off in Atlanta. After a lovely weekend together (one 1 fight) and a cute "couple's evening" (even though we arent a couple) and a rather uneventful but meaningful goodbye, I was left thinking that "Oh god, I love him" and of course "I'm really going to miss him." All normal responses to your boyfriend leaving.

But, William isnt my boyfriend. I know.

Which puts me here tonight. In the midst of gushing about the fabulous weekend I had (and keeping the part about fabulous sex to myself), and talking about our ongoing fight about him smoking in my car, and how we can participate in couple's functions even though we arent because thats how we roll... I find myself [finally] on the page that William is on.

What is the point.

I feel like it is okay to want to be together and enjoy being together, even if you know being together is wrong. But I also hear him when he says that he doesnt feel like he can give me what I need when I am going to want/need it. You dont ignore someone when they are expressing themself like that. I have to listen to him when he says that he doesnt see where "this" is going, what the expected outcomes are, and that he predicts that in the end, someone will be dissapointed. If I were a betting woman, I would put my money on me.

Is this the method of choice for getting over an ex? Do I even want to get over him? And what does my apparent inability (unwillingness) to sit and process the situation say about how I feel about it. Am I willing to confront it? I think I might be. I love William. I feel like I need to keep saying it aloud because that emotion is real. It is so real for me that it is ingrained in the essence of who I am. Knowing William has made me a better person and [sadly] I like being his girlfriend. Definitely not all peachy keen all the time, but for the most part, the good times are fabulous, and the bad times can be used as stepping stones...

I'm scared. I find myself in a neighboring place of where I was almost a year ago, the last time we broke up. I wasnt prepared to not be his girlfriend. I wasnt prepared to love someone else. And especially the way that I love him.

I DONT KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO DO.

thinking obsessively about it (for now)...

xoxox

Random Question #4

I know that I complain about the weather about as much as the average person. Well, actually, probably a little more than the average person...I dont like it hot, or cold. Double the complaints. But anyway, on to the question.

Why is it 80 degrees outside in Athens, Georgia?

If it were at home, that would be just fine. I expect it to be hot in SOUTH FLORIDA. But Georiga? After the (what turned out to be a) tease weather we had been having, its 80 degrees. And to add insult to injury, its supposed to maybe rain tomorrow. RAIN!

I'm so disgusted.

Breaking Up Is Hard to Do #10

(we can thank William for this one..waay too applicable.)

Leave
Matchbox Twenty

It’s amazing
How you make your face just like a wall
How you take your heart and turn it off
How I turn my head and lose it all
It’s unnerving
How just one move puts me by myself
There you go just trusting someone else
Now I know I put us both through hell
I’m not saying there wasn’t nothing wrong
I just didn’t think you’d ever get tired of me
I’m now saying we ever had the right to hold on
I just didn’t wanna let it get away from me
But if that’s how it’s gonna leave
Straight out from underneath
Then we’ll see who’s sorry now
If that’s how it’s gonna stand, when
You know you’ve been depending on
The one you’re leaving now
The one you’re leaving out
It’s aggravating
How you threw me on and you tore me out
How your good intentions turn to doubt
The way you needed time to sort it out
I’m not saying there wasn’t nothing wrong
I just didn’t think you’d ever get tired of me
I’m now saying we ever had the right to hold on
I just didn’t wanna let it get away from me
But if that’s how it’s gonna leave
Straight out from underneath
Then we’ll see who’s sorry now
If that’s how it’s gonna stand, when
You know you’ve been depending on
The one you’re leaving now
The one you’re leaving out
The one you’re leaving now
The one you’re leaving out
I’m not saying there wasn’t nothing wrong
I just didn’t think you’d ever get tired of me
But if that’s how it’s gonna leave
Straight out from underneath
Then we’ll see who’s sorry now
If that’s how it’s gonna stand, when
You know you’ve been depending on
The one you’re leaving now
The one you’re leaving out
Tell me is that how it’s going to end
When you know you’ve been depending on
The one you’re leaving now
And the one you’re leaving out
The one you’re leaving now
The one you’re leaving out

Breaking Up is Hard to Do #9

Its one thing to choose him, to love him. But the thing I need to work on is what capacity is he going to serve in my life. I can love him and us not be together. But do I want that? Would I be okay with that? No, really okay (and not just I'm telling people okay while I'm silently suffering inside).

Now that I've gotten my feelings cleared up, THAT is what I'm going to work on.

xoxox

Ranting is good for the soul

Disclaimer: I'm kinda thinky tonight (thanks Sarah), so I'm just going to deposit a few things that are on my mind right now. I'll stop back by later to survey the damage.

~

First things first: MOM has POWER!!!

My mommy has been without power since the hurricane came. Good thing it came back when it did because she is expected at work tomorrow. At least now, if she has to iron or if she has to do anything that requires power, she can. And maybe not be so salty about having to go back to work.

Oh wait, maybe thats me.

~

Yesterday I took some people off my buddy list. I know, I know, I just talked about a few days ago how I spread love through IMs. So, no. I dont really know what it means that I took someone off my buddy list. I'm sure it has something to do with me being tired of seeing their screen names on my buddy list. So, instead of incensing everytime they signed on or off (since I have the useful notification), I just removed them. In the event they IM me, I will recognize the screen name. And in the meantime, I'm much happier not having to feel their IM presence when I dont feel like a part of their lives.

~

Fall Break was marvelous. I really REALLY needed that break from school. However, since its over, I am sad. I could go for another 24 hours or so. Perhaps I should just be satisfied that I got an extra hour last night (that by the way I totally forgot about). But I'm not. I want another day.

~

What do you do when you feel pressured to get over your ex, but at the same time still fully committed to make it work? I know you shouldnt feel both of those things but sometimes I just dont know how to feel. When I live in the moment, I feel like it is still me and him (together) against the world, trying to sort through a difficult time in our relationship. But then I flash back (using the Tivo in my mind) to the breakups and the frustrations. I swear, this is the hardest thing I have EVER had to do. This is a difficult relationship. I dont remember it being this hard prior to us declaring our undying love for each other, but it was also less filling (if that makes any sense).

I will say this though, loving someone unconditionally really speaks volumes. I'm not sure what it says, but it allows me to feel, allows me to heal, and allows me to understand in situations when I would be most likely to cut my loses and move on. I realize that falling in love happens. But staying in love, loving against all odds, loving against all advisement not to...thats a choice.

I choose to love. I love him. And in the name of the most basic algabraic equation (A=B, B=C, then A=C), I choose him.

I choose him. Wow.

Damn algebra....never really liked math, now I see why. Hmph!! We'll come back to this.

~

Thanks to Sarah, I am becoming quite a cook. I have sucesfully made a tasty pot of chilli, and a hearty pot of chicken soup/stew (stew because I LOVE lots of noodles...not so wild about the broth part- lol). I love Sarah. I have the best neighbor ever.

~

I dont think I like being put on the spot. I think its one thing to be prepared to be impromptu (lol) or rather to speak extemporaneously. But tonight was no such situation. Not only was I put on the spot, but I got to come after like 7 other people had spoken and essentially said the same things. Unfortunately, my experience isnt quite different from other minority students here at UGA. And the ones that had some stand out experiences had already spoken. I think in my random rant I was able to impart something interesting..(i think), but I would have been just as comfortable sitting at my table, sending text messages to WIlliam and Hil, and basically not paying a whole lot of attention and chatting with the prospective students. I hate to say this, but the banquet was rather boring. Maybe because I am already a graduate student with other kinda (non) important things to do, I was really anxious to get out of there.

Wait, who are we kidding? I knew I was missing Charmed, and I neded to see the Wives and the staff at Seattle Grace (Grey's Anatomy). I even had time to stop by Kroger and get home just in time to see that the Wives were a repeat. The nerve of ABC!!

Alright, going now. Enough ranting for tonight. If ranting were considered a legitimate form of exercise, I would be skinny. LOL.

xoxox

Breaking Up is Hard to Do #8

I understand that he is going through some stuff, but I dont think I like when he decides that he's going to distance himself from me. Its just kinda rude to not click over when someone calls, or to call them back when you get off the phone. So, this is part 2 of the distancing, and I didnt find that out until I called him, just for him to say "um..Idunno." I hate that I miss him. This would be so much easier. I'm glad he is able to talk to me, but I dont like it when he doesnt call. Not because he is busy or something, but when I can get that feeling that its just because, or on general principle. Right. Just let me know so I wont call.

And he just signed on and has yet to IM me.

**Sigh**

No one loves him the way I do...

Yet another quiz about kissing..does anyone else see a pattern here?

Your Kissing Purity Score: 31% Pure

You're not one to kiss and tell... But word is, you kiss pretty well.

Kissing'>http://www.blogthings.com/kissingpuritytest/">Kissing Purity Test

If you didnt know, you should have asked somebody

You're an Expert Kisser

You're a kissing pro, but it's all about quality and not quantityYou've perfected your kissing technique and can knock anyone's socks offAnd you're adaptable, giving each partner what they craveWhen it comes down to it, your kisses are truly unforgettable

What'>http://www.blogthings.com/whatkindofkisserareyouquiz/">What Kind of Kisser Are You?

This day was a good day

Your Birthdate: May 20

Your birth on the 20th day of the month adds a degree of emotion, sensitivity, and intuition to your reading. The 2 energy provided here is very social, allowing you to make friends easily and quickly. Yet you are apt to have a rather nervous air in the company of a large group. You have a warmhearted nature and emotional understanding that constantly seeks affection. You are very prone to become depressed and moody, as emotions can turn inward and cause anxiety and mental turmoil.It can be hard for you to bounce back to reality when depression sets in. When things are going well, you can go just as far the other way and become extremely affectionate.

What'>http://www.blogthings.com/whatdoesyourbirthdatemeanquiz/">What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Spread love, its the PK way

Why have a cell phone if you arent really going to use it?

Thats a question I ask myself often. But I think my friends ask it even more frequently than I do. Why? Because I dont call. And sadly, Im okay with that. They key is that your friends should understand that it IS possible to show love over IMs. Just because I dont call, it doesnt mean I'm not thinking about you. Now, if I dont IM you, THEN (and only then) should you begin to be worried.

Why call if you can just IM someone? I know its kinda anti-social, but for me, IMming is social. Its not just chat, its a lifestyle. Other thanw3 way, how many other ways can you think that you can have multiple distinct conversations with people who may or may not know each other? You just cant. And emailing is soooo slow. Imming is fast, easy, and just non-social enough to be polite. If you dont want to talk to someone, you can a) keep them on your buddy list and just keep tabs on them or b)keep them on your buddy list so you know when to act busy or to just not respond, or c) just dont respond if/when they IM you. The thing about IMs is that rarely does the other person know what youre doing at your house while theyre at their house/job. Unless they have witnessed the injustices that you bestow upoin others, most people dont think anything of it. And they usually think they are the only one youre talking to. You can usually pull that off too. Except when (like me this afternoon) I had one too many tasks that I was trying to multi-task and Erik got the short end of the stick..I had gotten all caught up in some Lethe drama (which by the way, I miss) and forgot to click on the link to look at the glasses at Target.com.

So yeah, the lesson there, if youre going to be a non-caller, at least you can be an attentive IMer. For some, they feed you to let you know they love and care about you. Me? I give shoutouts in my IMs; I put up away mesages before running off; I direct connect; and I dont sign off so you can leave me nice messages when I've gone to bed. Like I said, its a way of life..

xoxox

Hahaha

You Are an Appletini

Most of the time, you're a typical party girl / guy.But when you get super sauced, you really up your sex appeal.

What Mixed Drink Are You?

Random Question #3

Is it possible for something to be too watermelon?

The reason why I ask is because I was venturing out while at the grocery store in hunt for a random dinner idea when I decided on Smirnoff Ice (Watermelon). I had decided that this may be a suitable alternative to my discontinued beloved cranberry. I was thinking "I like watermelon as much as the next girl...I had that yummy watermelon martini at O'Sheas...watermelon jolly ranchers are great...etcetera etcetera." Well, I think this may be too Watermelon.

Not like its going to stop me from drinking them..

Graduate School: Not for the Weak at Heart

Anxiety

Its an emotion I could say that I am barely familiar with. I get anxious about minor stuff but its usually in the confines of my apartment, or my car, and generally because of someone else throwing a variable or a wench (po-tay-to/po-tah-to) in my carefully laid plans. Its usually really brief, just enough to get my heartrate up a notch, and like I said earlier, most people dont see it.

If I am going to be freaking out about something, and I'm telling you about it, you have probably missed the show.

However, graduate school trumps normality.

Yesterday, me and the other second AND third years had to do our thesis presentations. From the 7th to the Monday before I was totally fine. On Tuesday I had a to do a run thru for Mike and it was not good. I was underprepared (both unknowingly and knowingly) and I felt really bad.

Cue anxiety - stage left.

Well, anxiety is not a "Las vegas showgirl...shes a headliner," and when I tell you she stuck around until well into Friday afternoon (AFTER my presentation), I am not kidding. I am just now starting to not be so worked up about it. But I think my shoulders are tense, I am barely hungry, I am still very very tired, and I have work to do which lets me know that not only were my emotions all tied up in this but the anxiety I was holding prisoner was stressing me out as well.

William asked how I was, and I told him stressed all the way out. Sadly, I have told him this more than once this semester, and it isnt even Fall Break yet. Come on Fall Break!!!

Sarah says that graduate school is academic hazing. Kevin says that he doesnt mind being in school right now because when he goes home, he's done thinking about work. (I wish). And I say that I can see how graduate students become alcoholics.

Its over for now. So I'm going to enjoy this non-thesis after glow that I am inevitably sporting right now. Until its time to read for Monday or send out Psi Chi emails. More like a coffee break that runs a little long :)

xoxox

Propositions and Stepping

So, I'm sitting here generally overthinking my life (whats new right) when I get an IM from a friend of mine who I've grown rather fond of ever since he told me that he wanted me to be his girlfriend since William and I had broken up, but in the meantime I could be his secret girlfriend since I wasnt supposed to tell anyone about his (secret) desire.

Cute, right? Totally embracing the secret girl friend title. Makes me smile, feel special, ya'll know how I do.

So tonight, Im sitting here talking to him, alerting him to my two planned trips to South Florida for Thanskgiving and Christmas so he can add hanging out with me to his plans, when he asks me to be his girlfriend when I come into town. At first I kinda laughed it off, but then I went back and read it and was like "as in a 4-day committment?" and he said "yes."

At first I kinda giggled (honestly, I think thats my defense mechanism ya'll) but then I was like, it may not be quite so bad. Kinda like a relationship test run. So I asked next, what would it entail, and he said dinner, movies, and other more x-rated things, and that was when I realized he was kinda serious.

Step 1: Secret Girlfriend
Step 2: Temporary/Trial Run Girlfriend
Step 3: ????

Idunno. Needless to say, I told him that Thanksgiving might not be the best time for all of that. But maybe over the Christmas break. I'll essentially be at home for 3 weeks with a whole lot of nothing to do. I wont be working, maybe doing some reading, but mostly just doin nothing, especially until Dionne isnt working. I do feel special though that he thought of me in that way. And I could go for some decent company (from someone out of school and with a job that can take ME out for a change)...

So maybe.

xoxox

Breaking Up is Hard to Do #7

Understand

I hope you'll understand
That I can't always come when you call
Understand everybody has their faults
Please understand not to worry who I'm with or what I do
Cause I understand that I'm in love with you
Do you understand that I'm in love with you

I keep our song on repeat
On my ipod, even when I sleep
And in my dream I'm holding you
Alone on an island just us two

[Chorus]

The last guy had me so wrong
He kept complaining I was away too long
Don't treat me that way cause in your head
You've got to trust me I won't be led

[Chorus]

I hope your mind ain't working overtime
I hope your memories are full of good times with me
Don't trip if right now I can't answer the phone
Cause you know that soon I'll be coming home

[Chorus]

Do you understand
Cause I understand
Do you understand that I'm in love with you boy
I'm so in love with you, so in love with you
Cause I understand
Do you?
Do you understand that I'm in love with you
Do you understand I'm in love with you

~Joss Stone, I couldnt have said it better myself. Thank you.

Breaking Up is Hard to Do #6

I wish I didnt love him. Then it would be so much easier to just be rude.

Random Question #2

Why didnt someone tell me that the sexy doctor from Grey's Anatomy is the same guy that was in Love Jones???

Oozing Enjoyable-ness

I am really starting to enjoy my Friday evenings. When I am in town, I am usually spending them with some combination of my Officemate, Larse, Kristin, and/or my favorite neighbor Sarah. People always say that they met some of their best friends in undergrad, and although that is true for me (ie: Lethe, Rise) I will have to add my gradschool friends to the list. Those are my girls, and its amazing to me the bond that we have established in the last year and some change. They're my support system, some of the first to hear my news both good and bad, and the ones that put up with my randomness and madness on a day to day basis.

So, tonight Officemate called a little after 6 just wanting to unwind and hang for a bit. So we sat in my livingroom and ran down the events of the day and opened a bottle of wine. I had planned to go to Sarah's for chilli, so of course officemate came too. I decided to cook a few place and bake chocolate chip cookies to bring for dessert. We ended up watching some of that 70s show (which I was totally lost with since I dont watch it) and then somehow started talking about Love Actually (one of our favorites) and decided to pop it in. So we continued to eat and laugh and almost cry, and just enjoy the movie. Afterwards, it was time to go home, but here I am blogging.

Believe it or not I even skimmed an article! I know right! Pathetic. I should be enjoying the evening, school free, but I am sitting here thinking about self-enhancement, breakups, and blogging. Im going to do better tomorrow. Its all cleaning and reading because I'm going to Atlanta tomorrow after Larse's game day party.

Overall, (as Officemate would say) a very enjoyable evening :)

xoxox

Breaking Up is Hard to Do #2-5

The key is to find a happy medium with the ex. Sad for me is that I still care very much for my ex, and I wasnt exceptionally angry about breaking up. Now dont get me wrong, I was good and peeved, mostly because I had just returned from visiting and as high as gas is right now, I could have been single and stayed my happy ass home. Lord knows I could have used the rest. So after being peeved and having zero contact, we moved back up to Imming, and I edited a paper for him, and we talked for like 50 minutes last night. Almost just like old times. Almost. I havent forgotten, nor have I gotten so comfy cozy with us that I will fall back into his arms. I will be in his arms, but as the friend. I will love him unconditionally still- but as the friend, and the fabulous ex girlfriend. He always said that he would hire me one day to be his personal assistant, becuase I would do an excellent job. Dont know how the husband will feel about that, but if the money's right...

~

The easiest way is to get over a man is to get a new man. I dont want to utilize that method this time. Im not anti getting a new man, and Lord knows all the "friends" are willing to fill in for William in his "duties" department, but I'm really thinking that I am saving myself for someone. And believe it or not, it isnt William. I cant believe I have a legitimate crush, and all this time he was right under my nose. Well, a little closer than that, but still non-datable. And for all I know, he still may be. But its taking everything in me to not spring into action. I find myself sending the text here and there, but what I am dying to know is if he is wondering if this is his second chance for a good thing. He may not have even given it any thought beyond him pep talking me into believing that I will find another love, and to not go looking for it. And I promise, this time I wasnt looking, the pieces of the puzzle kept showing up...

~

Its fascinating to me when I look at my relationship how far off the mark I was/am with William. Like I continue to tell people, I love him to death, but when I look at where I am in my life, and who I would want to be with that can relate on the most basic level to the responsibility that grows exponentially when you live by yourself and have a full time job (graduate school), and other albeit social obligations that crowd the space that I call my life, he just cant really relate. He isnt there. He hasnt had those experiences. The stress, the pressure to succeed. Even the most basic things that people have when they are about to be 25, he is still working on aquiring. And I will never go down in history as someone who will not work with a brotha. But where does working with someone end, and waiting on something that may not really happen begin? I think I would hate to be that person even more than I'd hate to be bitchy and unable to work with someone. I want my man to be able to feel like he can be himself with me, and that he is able to grow and express himself, and to be a work in progress and be okay with that, knowing that I am okay with it too. And I know that I am young. The next person I date will probably be young as well. When you are young there is still an entire world out there to conquer, and I wanna be able to have a conquering partner- one that hasnt already mapped out the course of our journey, but willing to make some stops along the way.

~

I generally dont keep a list of things I'm looking for in someone. I dont think I really have a type..or maybe I had a type and then worked really hard to discredit it. I know that for awhile, my only justification for liking someone was because they were interesting, and I feel like that is still a valid reason for liking someone. However, as I get older, I'm starting to think that I maybe should add some other things to the list. I feel very comfortable putting tall back on there as an added benefit (since I had let it go because of WEB). But employment, a bank account, and the ability to make plans long term are definitely back on there permenantly. Wanting to get married is on there, the man proposing is on there, and him being supportive of my dreams, aspirations, career goals, and other randomness bring up the rear of the new staples. I also want to put as a conditional list member what I'll call the essence of William...not sure what I mean by that, but sometimes the craziness that drove me mad is refreshing. And it goes without being said, he needs to be interesting.

Breaking Up Is Hard to Do #1

Right now, the thing I miss most is having someone to talk to call right now.

Well, not right now...Nip/Tuck is on.

Breaking Up is Hard to Do (Explanation)

As a thinker (hahah, dont tell my teachers) and a processer..and subsequently a ruminator, I wanna talk about the breakup and the implications for the rest of my world, but I dont want to just do it at one time.

So the following entries will be just things here and there...as I think of them. I dont know how many there will be...there may only be just one. Please bear with me.

Random Question #1

Alright, so can someone tell me why exactly the girls on Top Model cry when other people are "no longer in the running to be America's Next Top Model?"

I guess being happy about making it to the next round isn't en vogue.

Sex, Lies, and Other Randomness

Greetings from Alabama everyone...

So I'm sitting here (after checking both email accounts and joining yet ANOTHER yahoo webgroup) about nothing really. I thought that since I was still sprawled across the bed- quite decently attired mind you, that I could start streatching my favorite and at the present time, only used muscule...the one under my hair.

Speaking of hair, its quite strange how people react to you when you change your hair. I have alot of experience with this lately because I have been a virtual hair chameleon...one week curly, the next bone straight, and then when its extra foggy or straight up raining, the short spunky pixie cut (a la the wig). I was acustomed to everyone at school being familiar with my hair changes, but I forgot we got a whole new crop of people in this year who I proceeded to shock the shit out of on multiple occasions. Its great. Totally makes me giggle. Sharon suggested that I cut it permenantly, but I dont forsee doing that anytime soon. I have worked so hard to get it back (well, not really, but you know).

Um, lets see. Last week I went on a random telephone crusade to make sure that I still had all my booty calls lined up. No, Im not planning to take them up on the offer, but its something about having the option. Maybe some sort of ego booster. But not only did the guys (its only 3, and none of them are geographically desirable, nor are they William- end of story) say that was still an option, I believe they all said they would be stupid not to if the opportunity presented itself. LOL.

Im looking back up at the title, and I realize no lies...I hadnt planned to ramble about lies. I must have thought that was cute...

And in my final thought for now, I think I want to be a lifecoach. Or something along that lines. Is it wrong to not desire to make huge stacks of money in place of leading a truly rewarding life? Who wouldnt want to help change the world one person at a time? Right? Thats what I'll keep telling myself. I really believe I would be good at that. Either that or TV show :)

xoxox

What does September 23rd mean to you?

Today is September 23rd, and its someone's birthday. I hope its a happy one. I feel bad for not being more excited about it. I know she is generally marginally excited, but I can usually coax a little more excitement from her...I also know shes getting put off by the grandparents anniversary thing, and that sometimes your birthday is really only special to you. Well, in this case, her...and me.

Not so much this year. I sent the egreeting super early just because I knew come the 23rd I'd forget...and I did. Well, not all the way, but I like for people to get the egreetings first thing in the morning so they know I was thinking about them. So she got it, loved it (of course, hallmark+hearts- a winning combination) and we emailed back and forth for a spell. Well, maybe 2 emails a piece.

But the thing here is that I really only sent it because I feel like most people like to know that someone is thinking of them. Totally taking myself out of the BFF role, I was just another person who happened to remember her special day.

Im sure she doesnt realize it. I want to say she's too caught up in her world to notice, but that just seems super harsh, and unlikely. Well, Im not willing to admit it. I would hate to say that was the actual state of affairs.

So, long story short, I sent the egreeting and sent the cutomary text when I got up with the chickens, and was done with it. I did my part. I reached out past my beloved halfway roadsign that I've been patiently awaiting her arrival at to do something nice. Or maybe because theyres all this discourse about it, maybe it isnt no nice really.

I cant wait to see what happens on November 12th.

xoxox

I am supposed to be in the shower

I am supposed to be starting my day.

And I was en route to the shower when I got sideswiped by a friend of mine that told he he was going to stop drinking. Now, if you knew him, this is just miraculous in itself. A former bartender, he is the one who told me what I know about the finer alchols in life. Although he lost some points with me when he started spouting off the finer qualities of box wine, he was still THE drinker to me. And now hes quitting. And I told him, (because when he drinks, he drinks too much) that I can only see positives from that. And then I asked him why. Do you know what he said? God. He is doing it because he is ridding himself of the things that God frowns upon. Sex is next on the list.

I cant get mad at that.

I CAN be surprised as hell.

And although I dont know exactly what Im surprised about, I'll get back to you on that one. It will come to me once Ive had some time to process that.

On to the other thing that is keeping me out of the shower today:

So, I have another friend (I use the term loosely here- maybe aquaintence is better) that is essentially accustomed to getting what woman he wants. And for the last week, I was the target. I blame a little number I wore to the GAPS welcome back party that had by boobs out for the drama, and a little alcohol, because that night he was like "waht u doin" and at this point it was like 2 or 3 in the morning. I was surprised, but I answered the text. He wanted to come by and I was trying to sleep. He was trying to eat me out and I was uninterested. So, that night I told William about it. And all of the other times that this "friend" wasnt taking no for an answer. He even came over one night and tried to put the moves on me, and I sent him away- well, I moved to the loveseat leaving him on the couch with a visibly hard penis. Not my problem. I hadnt changed my story. Sometimes I would ask some questions just to see where his head is, but I generally hadnt changed my story.

To make a long story short, William took matters into his own hands yesterday during my meeting montage, basically giving him a piece of his mind.

I was surprised at that too.

I kept thinking that maybe because it was out of character, or Idunno. I came up with the fact that I was kinda happy he stepped in. I dont forsee having this kind of problem with the "friend anymore" but Idunno. He is persistent.

I mostly felt relieved. William said he was annoyed.

I love him.

Okay, so now Im going to shower. The day has started and we have errands to run. Hope all is well with you.

xoxox

LOL

I didnt realize that the last post was as lenghty as it is. My sincerest apologies. ~ Management

xoxox

Some random thoughts for you

Hi! Back from Alabama (I'll dish on that in a separate post), and basically trying to coax my inner academic to come out of hiding. Dont ask me why she's playin herself like that- lol.

But anyway, just a few random thoughts:

SO I THINK LIKE FIFTY PERCENT (maybe a slight overexageration) of my facebook friends list updated their profiles on the 15th. Now, it was random as hell that I was even on the facebook, let alone I sorted my friends' list so that I could see only those who recently updated. I couldnt believe I had to scroll! And normally, its within a few day period...most of these were done yesterday! Makes me feel like I should have updated my profile! I could I guess...but I could not. Something about updating your profile all the time...maybe it just means youre flexible. Well, I guess it depends on what kinds of updates. If youre adding quotes then its cool, keeps it fresh. But if your relationship status (or one better- your pic) keeps changing, Imma need you to have something else a little more constructive to do.

Yes, this is coming from the girl who at 2 something in the morning is writing in her blog. LOL.

Moving on.

SO HOW MANY OF YOU have been sleeping on Showtime? Yeah, I know they have some hits here and there (a la SoulFood) but when is the last time you really stopped to look at Showtime. Wait, lemme back up. When is the last time I looked at anything cable-tv related? Its been like a month...perhaps a little more than a month. The cable guy (lol) came today to get me all hooked up. I know, I know. I hate Charter. I hate giving them my money every month because I know they have a monopoly on Athens. I even tried to circumvent them by getting satellite. Evidently, not only does my lovely half of a duplex sound like its in the woods (complete with cricket sounds and all), it really kinda is...I want you to know that I dont get anything remotely associated with wireless in my apt. Except for surprisingly consistent cell phone reception.

I digress. Back to Showtime.

So, because of William (and thanks to On Demand - the BEST part about having digital cable..I will admit that) I tuned into one of their newest shows: Weeds. Now I knew it was a suburban something or another, and I took the bait from the commercials, but I wasnt ready for how funny it was! It was like a mix of suburban stereotypes based in truths, and pure comedy all mixed up into an episode. For the first time in my life, I am so glad to be a Showtime subscriber.

And not only do they have that show, but they have the Barbershop series, and the Fat Actress series Ive been dying to get a glimpse of. If you had told me 2 weeks ago I would be this excited about ANYTHING on Showtime, I would have called you a liar.

I am absolutely thrilled.

LAST WEEK, WILLIAM AND I WENT TO SEE JOHN LEGEND. Well, Common and DeLaSoul were there too, but anyone who knows me knows that I learned something about those other two groups and was primarly there to see John. And was he fabulous! I wasnt ready for him live. Yes, the words were the same, but the passion, and the soul, and the energy was just amazing! I wasnt ready. But I hoped that I would get my money's worth (not that I doubted I would). And it was even more remarkable and memorable being able to see it with William. We kinda discovered JL together, so it was fitting that we experienced him live together as well.

In typical (or what seems to be becomming typical) Patti-William fashion, we were so fighting that day, but we did a little New Orleans sight seeing, he let me take a few pics (always makes me super happy...gotta have the memories) and then we went to the concert. I didnt know prior to the day of that it was standing room only. Can you imagine? WE stood at the House of Blues for practically 4 hours. It wasnt until we got back to the car, and were driving back to Mobile that we realized just how tired we were. You know how it is...you gotta wave your arm when they say wave your arm, jump when they say jump, and then there are those times that the music gets the better of you and you find yourself grinding on your boyfriend, or swaying with the crowd, shouting out your favorite line in the song, and basically Getting your money's worth.

But like I said: AMAZING.

SO, I FIND MYSELF IN EVERYDAY SITUATIONS that make me think of my boyfriend. Probably a little caught off guard, huh. Trying to figure out where Im going with this one, right? Well stop it. Just keep reading silly! Like I said, I find myself in situations that remind me of my sweetie. And I know its partially my fault. Or maybe this is how most normal relationships work. He'll suggest a show, a movie, a CD, and I'll watch, rent, or purchase (download) snippets of it per his suggestion. And not only does he know me pretty well, and can usually acurately predict what I'm bound to like or tolerate, these things make me think of him. Its like having pieces of him here with me, when he isnt. Strange I know. But its how I feel. And on the flip side, if its something we both wanna do/see/hear, we try and wait and do it together. Then we can chat about it. Like he suggested Weeds, and some other movie im supposed to watch on Starz on Demand (maybe tomorrow morning), and Im going to give them a chance- because he suggested it.

I love him so much.

I miss him terribly.

And Im open to him. You have to be to love him. He has to be to love me. Cause there are some thinks implicit to who we are that are indellible. Theyre not up for negotiation.

I WAS WATCHING GIRLFRIENDS this evening and it was the episode where William (hahah) and Yvonne were supposed to get married. For those of you who havent seen it, she ended up calling off the wedding becasue she said she didnt like who she was with him. It wasnt that the relationship was bad (or it was anything he did) but rather, the problem was with her and what she allowed to transpire (her quitting the force, her never correcting him for mis-pronouncing her name, etc), and that totally hit home with me today. I used to apologize for my quirks. Cause Im quite a character...to know me is to love me (or at least tolerate me) and I know now that I cant apologize for me. Somethings I do/thinkabout/say are just because theyre on my mind. I ask a question, I want an answer, and not becasue I havent thought about it, but because I needed an answer (I know, tangent). But anyway, I like who I am with William, because I feel like I can be me, and at the end of the day (I've tested the theory...we've had some rough days) I know he may be annoyed, but he essentially loves me no less.

If you dont know what that feels like. What a relief it is. You should add that to the list of things to experience.

MY FRIEND MERCY (and I think this month I am using that term loosely in regards to her) is not returning my phone calls. I cant think of anything I did to her this time- and Im usually good at teasing apart what I did that was shiesty to warrant non-returned calls. Ever since before the move, I remember asking her to sit in my apartment in the evnet the furniture came, and she was telling me she planned to read Harry Potter the whole time. And I got peeved. I was like "damn, you cant do me one favor...bring the damn book with you." I know, right? Coming from me. The resident Harry Potter fanatic. I was just banking on she said she would help (even had the nerve to say I'll help you with whatever) and she hasnt returned a call since. I think I talked to her on the 14th of July. Its now the 14th of August. I went by her job once, and she wasnt there (plus, they didnt have anything I wanted) and I was two seconds away from calling her house and speaking with her parents, but I decided no. If she wanted to talk to me, she would have called by now, fussing at me for not seeing her and us not hanging out. William thought she didnt come around during the move cause he was here...but he has been not in Athens since the move. I decided yesterday to stop calling because it just makes me feel sad. When she wants to chat, she can contact me. I hope that she is okay though. I would hate for something to be dreadully wrong, and here I am thinking malice. Wait, no malice. Just a little sad. And soon to be a little preoccupied to dwell on it.

You know, with School and Psi Chi, and research, and Girl Scouts, and (of course) William. :)

AND FINALLY, I love Glamour. I really do. Not like I love Real Simple, but close. For different reasons. Everyone knows Im taking about magazines, right? I just renewed my RS subscription through like the next 2 years and I need to get a glamour subscription..Im just throwing my money away everymonth, when it could be ocming to me early.

Okay, Ive bent your ear enough for now. This was fun, we'll have to do this again really soon.

xoxox

Notification, not negotiation

I almost forgot to mention this! That in itself must be a sign, but last week I broke it off with Him. It had already ended for me, and I was bold enough to indicate on my facebook page that I was in a relationship with someone else (William). I still have no idea if in his mind everything was copasetic (sp?). When I texted him (yes, I sent a text message...no need to run up my daytime minutes or anything), he initally was like "okay" and I thought i had got off easy. Then he wanted to chat about it and got kinda miffed that I didnt. We had gone through the long drawn out dialogue before, and generally that was how he got me to change my mind. I can honestly say that the one time I felt forced to break up with him was the first time I did it. I didnt want to, and was hurt. All these other times (too many to count) I was generally just dissatisfied. This time, I was bored, tired of the excuses and the empty promises of coming to Athens. The kisses didnt mean anything, and I was uninterested in having sex with him. It was over, emotionally and physically for me months ago.

Im not really sure those pieces ever came back.

So I calmly and politely let him know that I no longer wanted to be together and that my life was going on. Notification not negotiation.

xoxox

Life: It is what it is, and it goes on...

Wow

Hi there, I just looked at my last post and realized that its been almost a month since my last update.

And what a month it has been.

First of all, I moved to my new place, which I absolutely love. And I love it even more now since I have a washer and dryer and my living room furniture. I even hung some items on the wall in the dining room and the living room. These 2 posters I got from Hobby Lobby are really cool...I dont think I get them all the way, but I like that I dont quite get them yet and meanwhile they are still really cool looking. I also hung David's pic, which I get and is really cool looking :)

Lets see, in addition to moving, I got a little inundated with school. My second class ended up being relatively reading intensive at first, and it was alot to have an article prepared (and read to the point you could explain it to someone else) every day. We ended up not meeting on Fridays (except for the first day) and talking about our own research and what we liked to call "Personal Development." I really enjoyed the course and could not have imagined taking an alternative course in this part of the summer. My Quant final is at noon, and I am looking forward to turning that in. Not really taking it, but turning it in. The sooner I do that I can get the hell out of town.

Im going back to Mobile today to visit William. And Im super excited. I havent seen him in 2 weeks and I miss him terribly. I dont know what were going to do when school starts and we wont be so flexible. Wait, I dont want to think about that now, we'll deal with that when the time comes.

But yeah, back to my Mobile trip. I am taking some reading with me that I need to do (or at least familarize myself with) and I threw some books in the car for the downtime. Were going to see John Legend at the house of Blues in New Orleans on the 10th, and were really really excited about that too.

Speaking of being excited, I need to get measured for my bridesmaid dress (separate thought...keep up). Maybe I will get to do that while I am in Mobile. I know I have been talking about doing it for a while now, but this last month has totally flown by..with the move and school and the wedding...and school...and just life in general. It is what it is. I cant get really worked up about it...that wont solve anything!

Lets see, lets see. Naima is moving to Atlanta (she got the job) and Dionne wants to come this way for graduate school. How fabulous would that be? Both Dionne and Naima? Im so lucky! My godmother's wedding was nice, hectic, but nice. The bridal party was relatively large, i think 6 bridesmaids, 6 groomsmen, and there was a wedding planner and a matron of honor who believed she was the wedding planner. You can imagine my headache as the MC of the reception (yeah, I know right...i didnt know what to do, but I havent been to that many weddings to know...I dont think I want one of those) trying to take direction from the planner AND the matron of honor. Plus it was hot, and the bride was trying to please everyone. Just hectic. Glad I ddint have straight hair. I would have sweat it out. However, the upside to the weekend was that I got to spend some time with Dionne, and I got to hang out with mom. I love hanging out with mom. She'll be here at the end of the month...Labor Day weeeknd. Were going to cook-out and barbeque. And It looks like some of my friends will be here so they can all meet mom.

Speaking of friends, Im supposed to be going on spring break with my girls. I know right? Here I am, this will be year number 2 of a spring break adventure with my girls. In undergrad I usually just went home...so this should be interesting. Were looking at an actual trip, cruise or something and Cachet is spearheading the planning. Im excited.

So I think that may be it for awhile. Generally when I am absentee for long periods of time something is wrong. Well, Im without cable and internet at my new place right now, so thats why Ive been absentee. However, I have had so much work to do that I needed to not play on the internet or vege on my new couch. I think I could live without cable. I wont, but I could if I absolutely have to.

I digress.

Im running off now, I should be back sooner than later, and wish me luck on my final. Happy Wednesday!

xoxox

Can I keep up?

My class starts in about 4 mins, so this will be really brief.

Something is happening to me.

And I cant really figure out what it is.

I have been in love before but not like this. This is some new shit, taking up the space designated for my mental moving checklist, or the random difference between study 1 and study 25 in my JPSP reading. I cant eat, sleep, or walk around idly without some random thought, some song, some picture, some memory of him.

And I am barely managing it. It is hard to focus!

I am working really hard to get any work done at all.

...to be continued.

and todays horoscope said...

That romantic roll you're on isn't going anywhere just yet, which is just the way you like it. The good news is that the person you're sighing over is on the same page -- and there isn't any bad news.

I concur Astrology.com, I concur.

xoxox

Ready for Love

Generally, I look at my horoscope because it arrives daily in my inbox. Sometimes, (especially when I have been out of town for a few days) it gets deleted with with the newport news and circuit city emails. Today, I decided to open it, and look what it said: Ready to fall in love? Or back in love? You'd better be. Someone you adore -- someone who's so close to you that your antennae have just got to be twitching like crazy -- is thinking along those same lines. Hahaha.

Part 2: Who I Am and Who I Am Not

So as I was sitting here reading another blog, and thinking about my entry from last night. (needing to be doing something productive while here at school, but you know...), I found myself being able to totally relate to this girl I dont even know.

What she said was that she had been in this 6 year relationship, it was her first love, and she made him tell her to her face that he was no longer in love with her.

Sidenote: Now, I have had that conversation. And it hurts. Especially when you are still in love with the other person and you dont want to admit it. Like shooting yourself in the foot really. And the plot thickens when you later find out that the whole conversation was driven by hurt & anger and not the originally percieved love-lost. I digress.

Although her inital comments struck me, it was when she got to the meat and potatoes. And its the age old concept of being in love with being together. She went to talk about the "idea" of them, and how in actuality it was the years and the memories keeping them together. I think the key is a delicate balance between reminiscing on old times and making new memories. The growth that fosters lasting relationships. The sparks, the passion, the drive to make each day better than the next, the perfection, the balance, the "where have you been all my life," the "I wanna get married thouhts."

And with "Him" I just dont have it. All we have is all the time we have been together off and on. The excitement I should have with him and for starting this new chapter of our lives is absent in a major way. I have a hard time even faking it. And because he is so non-involved with my life, who I am, and who Im trying to become, he doesnt even realize that this is not who I am in a loving and meaningful relationship. (That, and Wiliam & I think hes going to propose with this terrible cliche' 3-stone diamond monstrosity...)

I am not the girl who doesnt call before bed to say "goodnight, I love you" or first thing in the morning to say "goodmorning, I love you, have a great day." I am not the girl who wont get off the phone with her mother to talk to you when she hasnt talked to you (not even a text) all day. And while on the subject of text messages, I am not the girl who would rather text message you than hear your voice. I am not the girl who realizes and allows you to be uninvolved in her life, and uses that fact (or lack there of) as an opportunity to continue to not share.

Thats just not who I am. Why doesnt he realize that? Last night, I giggled about him being so clueless, but today I am more disturbed than anything really. But I think what is most disturbing is that I will be able to keep this up as long as I want to be bothered (yes, I said that) and that I dont think that we would be "associated" if I werent still here in GA and didnt get bored ever so often. Yes, he is newly employed. Yes, he has cute condo. Yes, he makes promises to do better- going out, eating at the best restaurants, trips to Athens after work and weekends. But in my mind theyre all promises. I've heard them all before. And I am not the girl who lives in broken promises and disappointments.

That is a problem. Who commits themself wholly to a relationship they dont believe in? That they will openly admit they dont believe in? Where is the faith? The hope? There is none. I am dually prepared to be wined & dined, AND let down.

But if I were a betting woman (and I am not- I'd rather throw my money away at the mall), I would put my chump change on being let down. Or actually, on not really caring either way. I see now (its practically jumping out at me) that the plus side with him is the IDEA of us being together, but not its practical application. These days I am not even sure if I were ever in love with him. When we finally got together (please dont ask me an anniversary date..maybe Sept 2003, maybe January 2004) I was dredging through the emotional wasteland that was our relationship, patiently awaiting what turned out to be relational handouts, table scraps even, which I used to piece together our haphazard and soon to be disasterous relationship.

So now youre asking, why in the world are you back there? Because of his texts (note: not chats or calls) about doing better and about loving me, and about us getting it right..blah blah blah. Again, empty promises. What girl doesnt want to hear that stuff? Ask me about improvements over the last calender year. No, better yet, ask him. When I bring it up these days its mostly for shits and giggles. And it wasnt until I fell in love forreal that I knew that what Him and I had leaned more towards completly bogus and a waste of time. And even when I was spouting off to people about William and I not working out, what I failed to realize at the time was that being in love with (and loved by) William changed me. I was no longer the girl I used to be.

Now, I am the girl who realizes that you can waste your time (hell, entertain yourself even), but you shouldnt waste your emotions on people who dont know you, and/or who arent trying to relieve the dissonance.

I am her if I am nobody else.

How much are you willing to spend?

So I have been almost obsessive about this song for a minute. It strikes me. I could IMMEDIATELY relate to the lyrics. I would like to think that he knows who he is, but sadly I can imagine him reading them with incredulity... William said it best this afternoon: [and I paraphrase] "Do you want someone who teases you because they love you, or someone who doesnt know you at all?"

Sometimes ignorance is bliss. Generally it isnt. And its the exact moment that you realize that you are staring at this person you once believed you knew so well, but you dont really. They are a complete stranger. You only got to know the part of the iceburg above the water. And even then, you only managed to take in a few surface characteristics (ie: color, temperature, overall movement if any). It wasnt like they hid themselves or presented themselves in an untruthful way... You just missed the details. You missed them, and yet they never really went anywhere.

You were reading words instead of sentences. Missing the main ideas. Often in a whole other book entirely. And it isnt until you come to the end of your book that you realize they have put your book down (perhaps) in favor of another one, whereas you were perfectly content.

Clearly, its that under-water mass that costs you. Sometimes it costs you a few tears or a couple of arguments. Those are the times when you get off easy. But what about those times when you have to spend a little of your peace of mind surplus or you have to tap into your emotional reserve to decide to renovate or demolish the relationship. How much are you willing to spend in these instances? Matters of the heart do not come cheap. And you cannot purchase them on eBay.

Here's to not knowing that the fact you don't know....

If
--Destiny's Child

If I don't pick up the phone like I used to (for you)
Dont you take it personal.
If I dont do all the things that I used to do (to you)
I aint mad at you.
If you get the feelings stressed up in your chest thinking you about to lose
Its true.
And if youre losing out on sleep home worrying about me
Ohh, thats how it be.

If you dont know, now you know you going to miss
My love.
And I aint stessing 'bout a dawg on thang
Cause I was true when I gave you
My love
If you search you will never find another love like
My Love
Youre going to miss me.
I aint got time while you sit around and play with
My love.

If you think I caught a feeling when I heard about that other chick
I already knew about it.
I just needed time just to clear my mind and ask myself
Why I didnt handle him.
If you wouldve taken care of home instead of leaving me alone
I still would be right there with you
Taking care of you
Steady loving you
Like I used to do.

There was once was a time I blamed myself for what was wrong
I can see so clearly now because you are gone
Thats how I spent all my time when you werent at home
Playing around with them raggedy heiffas
There'll be no more stressing
No more crying
No more trying
I would rather be alone.
'Cause this valuable heart of mine was yours until I realized
Finally opened my eyes...

Not making the list

I am without cable for the first time in many years...like 2 years forreal. Its crazy. I have so many things I SHOULD be doing that I assume I can do without until I move. That and the fact that I own tons of DVDs and can just watch those when I want some noise in the house (which I almost always do want). Like right now, I have Family Guy playing. I think season 1. And that will play until its over and I'll pop in season 2 and so on.

Actually, I may not. I have a test in Quant 4 tomorrow and my new class starts tomorrow too. So I need to be studying. And then after that I need to be practicing. And packing. See, "should be watching TV" didnt even make the list - lol.

And with that, Im running now :)

Trip Report!

I got the pics developed from my Mobile trip today, and I decided to share some of the more um.. public-friendly aspects of my excusion into the deep South.

So, on Thursday June 30th, I left Athens almost immediately after my Quant 4 class to depart for Mobile. I had already gotten gas, and pretty much had some munchies in my car to get me out of the state of Georgia. I made excellent time, thanks to being driven by catching William before his class started (I didnt) and me being able to maintain a speed of at least 85 on I-65. Just as the numbers on I-65 were finally starting to get notably smaller (my exit was #3) I saw this:

I thought it was pretty cool really. There are a couple more pics, but I wont bore you with them since they really are just water and greenery. Nothing special...not even any boats. Quite remniscent of home actually. I had a good feeling about this place already.

So, I arrived at William's parent's house and meet mom and dad. They are lovely people. His dad reminds me of my grandpa, and his mother...well, his mom is a conglomeration of my mom, and the woman I will probably evolve into when Im their age. Kinda scary really. But once I realized that, I knew this was a woman I could hang out with. We ended up going to this really posh restuarant on the bay called Felix's (its got some more name, but I dont remember what it is). The food was wonderful!

After dinner, we came home. The Dr and William were both at home by this point and waiting for us. Needless to say, William and I quickly departed, ran some errands and then came home to catch up.

Lets see, the next day was Friday. The parents were still at home (they ended up not leaving until Saturday) so we went out to play. We did a little shopping, and a little sight seeing. We ended up at this spot he likes thats on the water. It used to be super secluded, but we saw a couple of different sets of people while we were there. The hurricane got to it, but he says they have rebuilt nicely. There are now benches and this nice walk way leading down to it:

...we had ALOT of fun while there.

Hmmm, I'll fast forward to some interesting stuff. On Saturday we had some plumbing drama and then a party-type activitiy that evening. That was cool cause I got to meet alot of his friends. Brad is my favorite friend (behind Jason of course).

We went to the outlets on Sunday in Foley. They were great. I bought a bag and some towels (I think thats all I bought). Then we went to see the Star Wars movie, and he subsequently fell asleep in it. I know, right? Last summer he fell asleep in Spiderman 2. Me, who has never seen a Star Wars movie, and him who wanted to see all of them but went to sleep on it. As anticipated, I enjoyed it- probably only understood a percentage of what I saw- but still enjoyed it. I keep telling myself its like seeing Harry Potter 3 without seeing 1 or 2, or the last Matrix movie without seeeing the first. Yes, you will enjoy it, but you will so NOT get it. Thats where I am.

When I decided I wasnt going to go home on Sunday (I felt like Rich had cheated me out of my missing a class period when he cancled class on Friday), we decided to do something fun for the 4th. We eventually ended up in New Orleans. Yes, New Orleans. How cool is that?We went to this place called Daiquiri's first to get some to-go drinks. Think Wet Willies (but to-go). Yes, I said to-go. I had never seen such! I think ours were incredible hulk flavored. But after the Friday night fiasco, and the subsequent Saturday night encore, we both had a little trepidation about drinking too much. Plus, I hadnt eaten that day, and would need to get something soon. We decided to eat (well, eventually decided..his first instinct was Wendy's but then he cancled that in favor of something more interesting) downtown instead.

We came into downtown on Canal Street. (See pics below).

We saw this really cute trolley on our way in. I saw the hotel we stayed at when the band was in town for the Sugar Bowl. The Popeyes and the random Wendy's that serves breakfast were my landmarks. I still havent been to another Wendy's that serves breakfast. Its the most random thing! William says that he saw one, but he decided to actually eat there! I dont think he especially enjoyed it because he says he should have just kept going to McDonalds. LOL.

We then parked the car and decided to wander around a bit. We stopped at the House of Blues for some dinner. Neither he nor I had ever eaten food there (we'd drank), so we thought It'd be fun. I had jumbalaya and he had pasta. His was "okay" and mine was tasty. It was an abnormally quick meal, and William took the opportunity to comment on the ratio of black women to black men in the restaurant. It was like 4:1 (okay okay, maybe 3:1, but still...). Here we are after dinner:

Then we headed over to Bourbon street.

He told me that I had to drink and that he will only drink one drink on Bourbon street called a Hand Grenade. I was down to experiment, so we wandered down Bourbon street until we found a place that served them. Here I am with mine. I think its my first...I had 2 total and the glasses are still in my back seat:

While on Bourbon street we saw the fireworks (YAY!), which made the night pretty much perfect. Except that I didnt get any barbeque (we had had SaucyQs the day before, and I had had ribs at Longhorn on Friday...so no more ribs!). Mom told me that Mr. Jeff sent ribs over on Monday, and shes going to save me some since I'll be home in a few weeks. I have the best mom in the world!

Because the next day was a school day for him, and a driving day for me, we said goodnight to New Orleans and Bourbon Street. But not before William pointed out that everyone serves alcohol in New Orleans (lol).

This is us on the way home. Actually, this is pretty much us the entire time I was there. Of course we argued, he got worked up and so did I, but thats seeming to be more like normal than anything for us. I think I can honestly say that we are working at it. We try to talk about issues when we have them, trying to both spare and salvage our feelings. Its really hard. But I think in the long run, its really beneficial.

And we both had a great time. See:

There are some other pics, but because I am dialing up, it takes a long time to insert them here. Besides, I was chased off the phone to do some work or practice or pack or something. None of which I have even remotely thought seriously about.

I should probably do that :)

xoxox

Aha!

People get married because they are in love.

Shit, I would if it was feasable right now. But it isnt.

Needless to say I had a marvelous weekend and am all screwy now because I had been waking up next to someone for 4 nights in a row, and this morning I was all by myself in my bed.

That amongst other things...

xoxox

iPod update...Its ya birthday!

After much deliberation and discussion (thanks Steve, Ryan, Larse, and Mercy), I decided to name her Sprout. So, when you get a chance, please take a couple of moments out to welcome Sprout Davis into the fold.

Also, I would like to send a special shout out to Sprout's first cousin (on her Mama's side): Pinkie. Pinkie is the daughter of my sister Krissi: one of my bestest friends ever, and my all-time favorite Bride to be. A gift from her soon to be hubby Jay.

Go Sprout...its ya birthday!

Hehehe.

xoxox

The Love is like Whoa

Good morning.

I cant believe that I am up and functioning...wait. No. I am UNABLE TO SLEEP! What the hell is that about? Lets all guess who is not going to be a happy camper tomorrow (or rather, later on today).

Part of the problem of having house guests is that they generally interrupt your schedule, and I believe I was generally prepared for that. As a caveat, I have stopped having weeknight sleep-overs if I can help it. I seem to turn into a super bitch when I am either sleep deprived or sleepy. And super bitch is really anoying. Anyway, what I wasnt prepared for the "10 mins" that was asked of me, leaving me un-orgasmed and basically wide awake. Not only was I concerned about the emotional implications (so I turned them off, which fail-safed into the attitude), I was worried about being heard. Yes, I have 3 progressive black men in my house right now. Three I love quite dearly. However, part of living by yourself is to not have to worry about that kind of stuff...Hmph!

Moreso, I was concerned that he believed that he still "had it like that." Where did our signals get crossed. True enough, I didnt mind at all, but where in this proof was it a given? Yes, maybe 3 years ago...but maybe not. I really dont know and that isnt the point right now. All I know is that I am left saying "Whoa."

Now, Mya said the love was like "Wo" which I assumed was a positive. I wont knock it being positive tonight (no WEB, but you make do...) and it definitely wasnt a Tampa moment either. It was like like "Whoa." Probably more like "Whoa, is this what it would be like to do you regularly?" or "Whoa, I dont remember it being like this" or even better (lol) "Whoa, I see why we stopped doing this" and "Whoa, I have gotten so much better since the last time..now I know how these things are supposed to go."

Hehehe.

Now, if only I could manage to get back to sleep. Im going to read Quant in the meantime.

xoxox

I am so proud :)

Today I became the parent of an adorable green ipod mini. I think I'll name her Sprout. Or maybe Zest. I better think on that a bit...especially since she doesnt have any music on her yet (I had to leave for school).

I'll keep you posted

xoxox

Why Do People Get Married

Not too long ago as I was walking down the lovely hill that separates the huge parking deck I park Ashleigh in and my home away from home the Psychology Building, it occured to me that I really didn't know why people got married.

However, this is based on the primary assumption that the two people are in love (with each other), and the secondary assumptions that they are in a loving equally yoked relationship, they know and appreciate each other, and they can afford (yes, I mean the dinero) to do so. However, those other reasons dont hold a candle to "two people are in love" and I mean really in love. Not that stuff you see on TV, or God forbid the celebrities, but that in your face, cant live without you, unconditional madness that sweeps you up and off your feet and makes you say to yourself "What did I ever do without you?."

I think I can safely say that this is the optimal situation to be proposed to, engaged to, and be married in.

But what about those people who get married for reasons other than those mentioned above. Like: "We didnt want to live in sin" yet, they were already sleeping together and co-habitating (last time I checked, God advised against those right?). Or another of my favorites: "We want to try and make it work for the baby." Yeah right. Does this sound like a good plan to you? It makes me giggle. And there are countless other reasons. But my point here is, what is it that says "Lets get married" or "Lets wait awhile."

This brings me to my current non-married status. No, Im not getting married anytime soon (I dont think), but I am not opposed to the idea. Granted, I am not in the financial situation I would love to be in prior to getting married, nor am I out of graduate school (and won't be for a good minute). And then there is mom, who (kinda) lovingly criticizes a certain cousin of mine for getting married (they used our "lovely living in sin" rationale), saying that "she didnt have to get married when she did." Which I'm sure is true. But she did, and now she will probably be getting divorced. Does it matter that a majority of the time she was hoping that her husband would change to be more like the man she would have loved to marry but didnt? Does it matter that she eventually started cheating on him? Oh, and does it matter that she got married and was married for a good month or so before she told her family?

I don't know.

And I dont have an answer really. Do I even have a question?

Ahh yes! Why do people get married?

I guess I am afraid of getting married for one of those wrong reasons. A la "this is the right man for me" or "this is who [insert some random other person here] would love for me to be with."

I am afraid of landing in one of those unfulfilling marriages that so many women I know have landed themselves in. Im afraid of questioning my choice years down the line. I dont want to be a statistic.

I want to get married for love.

xoxox

Happy Sunday!

Sooo I almost forgot it was Father's Day.

I have been trying to remind myself every day this week that Father's Day was approaching. But for what? Its not like this is a holiday I particularly celebrate. In fact, its been historically so uneventful that I cant even tell you what I did last year on it. I wanna say that mom made Granddaddy a pie or something, and we took it down there. But come to think of it, Im not sure that happened either...maybe that was the year before.

But anyways, Im sititing here importing music, trying to at least not be a Scrooge about the day- because frankly, its just another day for me. Yes, I wholeheartly support the institution of Fatherhood, and yes, someyears, I even tell Mommy "Happy Fathers Day!" for kicks, but when it comes to the actual celebrating of my own sperm donor, I um... (how else can I say this) tend to forget its Father's Day.

For those of you out there who do celebrate, enjoy the day. Dads, you deserve it, because I can imagine that Fatherhood is very similar to Motherhood...and you cant put the babies back once they get here (lol).

...and for the rest of us: Happy Sunday!

xoxox

Full of Shit

Alot of times, we are all full of shit.

And yes, I mean that both literally and figuratively.

But treading the more figurative path, this is a great opportunity to ask yourself "How full of shit am I?"

Have you met or exceeded your shit quota for the week...the month...the year? I have.

Now by shitty, I mean us carrying around our true feelings/intentions/desires for them only to be held down by our feelings/intentions/desires for others. And our related ones for how we want others to percieve us. This could stem from us wanting everyone to like us, or to keep controversy to a minimum, or my favorite "I dont want to hurt their feelings." And while we are managing to shield whomever from whatever emotional wrath we have for them, we are left holding in all the shit we should be releasing...our (emotional) shit. And where does all this holding leave us? Generally in a not-so-nice place.

Did you ever wonder why it feels so great to get things off your chest? LOL.

And it wasnt until today that I realized that it isnt just me, but others around me. Take for instance the cornerstone of my buddy list that I havent quite forgiven yet for an crime that essentially has served as the spark that has ignited an entire powder keg of drama/emotions that have gone unattended for some time now. I havent immed her and she hasnt really immed me. And from the outside looking in, yeah, it was pretty messed up, but it was so much more than that. Even just the events that transpired (or didnt) for the 3.5 weeks that I was in the greater palm beaches speak volumes about the status or rather the changes that have happened over the course of I dont even know how long.

I'd safely assume the last calendar year.

Not only is the situation shitty, but our apparent inability to address it makes us both shit perpetrators. And as I sit here and write this, I realize that acknowledging it is the first of many steps, but the only one Im willing to make right now. Which infact seems to be testing the theory "let sleeping babies lie" or something like that to the effect of if you dont address it, it will go away.

I dont really think that happens....I think it just gets heavier and stinkier, and harder to get rid of. Okay okay okay. So Im really enjoying my poop analogy.

However, things do get harder when you wait it out. More to explain, or piss them off by not explaining, and more to potentially feel some semblance of guilt about because in this instance, you both held on for so long. In my experience, sometimes things merely get brushed over for the greater good of the relationship. Some age old issues, things that were once the center of the gossip column, get brushed under the carpet...glossed over, and seemingly forgotten.

Sidenote: Some matters of the heart are also a little shitty, but thats for another time.

But I do have a point here (somewhere). Ask yourself: How full of shit are you? And when are you going to expell this shit? Do you need an emotional laxative (lol...I know, that was nasty)?

I (think) am taking steps to be less shitty. And you should too. True enough, saying that we are full of shit sends me into a fit of giggles, but I would LOVE to say (with a straight face) that I only mean it literally.

The requisite "Hi" entry...

So hello there.

New blog, newish blogging attitude. I cant say that one particualar situation motived me to get back in the saddle, but here I am. My Olu has a wonderful blog, and so does my Krissi for bridesmaid updates general wedding items, and so now I have one for my random rants. Because we ALL know how much we missed my random rants. LOL.

And since I decided I wasnt leaving my lovely apartment today, for lack of something else to do right now, I decided to blog.

When I was coming up with the junk to say about me, I initally decided to do quotes from others. But when I posted it, it was waaaay too long, and in one huge paragraph formed blob, so here it is for your pleasure:

A few quotes from those who know me best!

From my favorite bride Krissi:

"Idunno -- there are so many positives about you. Definitely wise beyond your years but at heart many years immature. Definitely a cheerleader of a friend. You have a heart as big as your smile."

From the love of my life William:

"Nobody loves her crazy ass like I do."

And from my mommy:

"Youre just so spoiled"

And I would counter that with not spoiled, just loved. LOL.

So yeah, that was it really. Just wanted to say hi, and all that good stuff. Im going to go for now. Windows keeps harassing me about restarting to the updates I just installed can take place (or some crap like that) and if that little box pops up one more time....

Coming soon:

"How to manage wedding proposals"
and
"We are all full of shit"

(in no particular order)

xoxox